Best Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes!

Good morning you wonderful lot! Hope you’re all ok. This week didn’t start great, all three of us had appointments at our Doctors for different reason – my dad found out that he’s at the start of early onset Osteoarthritis, so he’s been referred to physio to get some help. My mum is undergoing more investigations into her chest and throat as she’s been struggling even more to breathe for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve been prescribed a different cream for my infected hand which has got even more worse since my last appointment (it’s actually spread across my fingers), but I don’t think it will work as my body doesn’t react to medicated creams, they just don’t seem to absorb into my skin so I predict I will be visiting the Doctor again soon. And to top everything off, whilst we were doing a quick shop, a shelf in the fridge section fell on top of me and my mum injuring us, we both haven’t been able to use our left arm since, but the staff there responded really quickly and were so lovely by making sure we were ok, they even bought us flowers to apologise (it wasn’t necessary, but we accepted and thanked them nonetheless). Again not a great start to the week, especially as I was feeling down anyway as Monday sadly marked 6 years since I lost Thumper, who I’ve mentioned a few times in previous posts.

Anyway enough of my wallowing, shall we move on to today’s post? For the past couple of years I’ve been doing character quotes from a tv show which I span out over the course of the year, and this time the tv show in question I’ll be focusing on is none other than Brooklyn Nine-nine, and to kick start off this edition – today’s post will just focus on the best quotes from the series altogether, followed by the main characters over the next coming months. So let’s get started…

The Best Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes

Captain Holt: “Nothing’s okay. Wuntch, circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An Internal Affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, is everything okay? I am buffeted by the winds of my foe’s enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a Captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, is everything okay? I’ve worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold, and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp, and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, is everything okay?” (2×5 – The Mole)

Hitchcock: “All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.”
Scully: “If we’re away from our desks for too long, they’ll update our computers and we’ll lose Minesweeper.” (2×19 – Sabotage)

Adrian Pimento: “Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.”
Jake: “These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?”
Adrian Pimento: “Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don’t tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.” (4×21- The Bank Job)

Rosa: “Come on, sir, the math thing isn’t the problem. Night shift’s keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.”
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: “What did you say?”
Amy: “Don’t say it again.”
Rosa: “I said you two need to bone.”
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: “How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don’t ever speak to me like that again.” (4×8 -Skyfire Cycle)

Jake: “Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should’ve written this down first.”
Amy: “No, no, it’s okay. Go on.”
Jake: “I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.”
Amy: “I like the second one.”
Jake: “You don’t have to.”
Amy: “Okay.”
Jake: “Yeah. You’re kind, and you’re funny, and you’re the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.”
Amy: 2I love yours too.”
Jake: “Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?”
Amy: “Jake Peralta, I will marry you.” (5×4 – HalloVeen)

Captain Holt: “I brought you your box of DVDs.”
Jake: “Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”.
Kevin: “What the hell did you just say?”
Jake: “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”?
Kevin: “Say that to my face.”
Jake: “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”?
Kevin: “There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?”
Jake: “Well I didn’t think it was any good. It’s just some period piece.”
Kevin: “What?”
Jake: “Set in Greece.”
Kevin: “Oh, my God.”
Jake: “Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake’s hands* Aah!”
Kevin: “Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.” (5×12 – Safe House)

Gina: “The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts. So I’m incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.” (1×22 – Charges and Specs)

Amy: “Scully and Hitchcock, you’re in charge of seating.”
Scully: “Smart move, Amy. I’ve been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass.” (4×6 – Monster In The Closet)

Charles: “You were never my real star, Sarge. But I needed to create a scene so that Alfonso would think that my mission had failed. Then I could send in-“
Rosa: “Ricki Sheetz, DJ by night, gun smuggler by later night. Alfonso started telling me about all the crazy crap you guys pulled in there. He just couldn’t stop talking till he gave me the name of his supplier.” (6×9 – The Golden Child)

Sergeant Jeffords: “Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?”
Jake: (Scoffs) “No.”
Technician: Lie.”
Jake: “All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “She makes all of us feel things!” (1×21 – Unsolvable)

Jake: “So how’d you convince the whole squad to betray me? What’d you offer them?”
Captain Holt: “I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.”
Jake: “I’m not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.” (2×4 – Halloween II)

Jake: “Look, I get that you can’t take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It’s still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we’ll be doing our jobs. I call it a “casecation.”
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-“
Amy: “Ooh.”
Jake: [singing] “Casecation, had to get away” (6×12 – Casecation)

Captain Holt: “Please be seated. Friends, colleagues, gawking New Yorkers, we are here today to celebrate the marriage of Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago. I’ve known you both for the last five years. And it has been a true pleasure to watch your distracting childish rivalry evolve into a distracting childish courtship and now into what I’m sure will be a distracting childish marriage. I’m proud of you. And I love you both.”
Jake: “Permission to say it back?”
Captain Holt: “Permission granted.”
Amy: “I love you too, sir.”
Jake: “Love you, Captain.” (5×22 – Jake & Amy)

Charles: “Oh, my God, he’s beautiful. Oh, Jake, he’s got your face.”
Amy: “Charles, meet Mac.”
Jake: “Short for McClane.”
Charles: “As in Shirley? I love it.”
Jake: “No, as in John, from Die Hard.”
Charles: “I mean, they’re both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.” (7×13 – Lights Out)

Jake: “But my point is this: I don’t care what time it is. I’m always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I’m gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!” (4×4 – The Night Shift)

Captain Holt: “Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?”
Jake: “No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you’re always bothering me.”
Captain Holt: “Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?”
Jake: “No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you’re always bothering me.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “Hey, show your father some respect.”
Jake: “I didn’t call him dad.”
Captain Holt: “No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.”
Charles: “It’s not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she’s my fiancée.”
Jake: “Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.”
Amy: “Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.”
Jake: “Hey, daddy is not on the table here.”
Suspect: “Well, you did call him dad, dude.”
Jake: “You shut up. You’ve done nothing but lie since you got here.”
Suspect: “Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.”
Jake: “Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.”
Captain Holt: “I believed you-“
Jake: “Thank you.”
Captain Holt: “-son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?”
Jake: “I’d like that.” (1×18 – The Apartment)

Jake: “So, do you recognize any of these men?”
Gwen: “I was hiding in the bathroom stall, so I didn’t see his face, but I heard him. He was singing along to the music at the bar.”
Jake: “Do you remember what he was singing?”
Gwen: “I think it was that song, “I Want It That Way”
Jake: “Backstreet Boys, I’m familiar. Okay… Number One, can you please sing the opening to “I Want It That Way”?”
Suspect No1: “Really? Okay. [Singing] You are my fire…”
Jake: “Number Two, keep it going…”
Suspect No2: [Singing] “The one desire…”
Jake: “Number Three…”
Suspect No3: [Singing] “Believe when I say…”
Jake: “Number Four…”
Suspect No4: [Singing] “I want it that way…”
Jake: [Singing] “TELL ME WHY!”
All Five Suspects: [Singing] “Ain’t nothing but a heartache…”
Jake: [Singing] “TELL ME WHY!”
All Five Suspects: [Singing] “Ain’t nothing but a mistake…”
Jake: [Singing] “Now number five…”
Suspect No5: [Singing] “I never want to hear you say…”
Jake: “WOO!”
Suspect No5: [Singing] “I Want It That Way!”
Jake: “Ahh. Chills you guys. Literal chills…”
Gwen: “It was number five. Number five killed my brother!”
Jake: “Oh my god, I forgot about that part!” (5×17 – DFW)

Rosa: “I want to say a few words. When Jason died seven days ago, I didn’t give a rat’s ass.”
Charles: “This is your speech?”
Rosa: “‘Cause I didn’t understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I’ve only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.”
Gina: “Very violent eulogy, I like it.” (3×12 – 9 Days)

Captain Holt: “I don’t always understand Peralta’s texts. He’s says they’re still waiting on the lab and it’s “allz good”, allz with a Z. Then a box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. And yet another box with a question mark. Then a box with a question mark. What does that mean?”
Sergeant Jeffords: “It means you don’t have emojis on your phone.” (2×7 – Lockdown)

Charles: “Sarge, you think Gina will be okay?”
Sergeant Jeffords: “She says the doctor’s can’t be sure, but they’re optimistic. Apparently, she has something called Ansel-Elgort Syndrome.”
Charles: “Oh, poor Gina.”
Amy: “Oh, my God.”
Hitchcock: “Oh, you fools. That’s not a disease. Ansel Elgort’s an actor. Did none of you see “The Fault in Our Stars”?”
Sergeant Jeffords: “No. Why did you?”
Hitchcock: “Teenage romance, dying chick, oxygen mask. Checks all my boxes.” (4×21 -The Bank Job)

Rosa Diaz: [about Terry, who appears to have a concussion] “There’s no way he can take the test in that condition.”
Jake Peralta: “You’re right. Amy, you’re going to have to crawl inside his shirt and operate his arms for him. It’s a Ratatouille situation.” (6×16 – Cinco De Mayo)

Gina: “It’s a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. Its everything I’ve wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “What happened? I thought you were gonna ‘last forever bitches.'”
Gina: “Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.” (1×20 – Fancy Brudgom)

Jake: “Be myself? Charles, I have one day to win over Amy’s dad. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?”
Rosa: “Couple weeks.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “Six months.”
Captain Holt: “Jury’s still out.”
Jake: “See, Charles? “Be myself,” what kind of garbage advice is that? I hope you’re not telling Nikolaj that crap.”
Charles: [correcting] “Nikolaj.”
Jake: “Ugh.” (4×7 – Mr. Santiago)

Jake: “So, one day I’m working late when my boss, Robert, surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds. Again, junkie scum. Also again, not your fault. There’s a major genetic component to addiction. He says he’s gonna file a police report. I could lose my license. We fight, and something in me just snaps, so I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.”
Lawyer: “You still have no murder weapon.”
Jake: “I do now. Here’s a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago, and here is a shot that our crime scene photographer took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?”
Lawyer: We’re not answering that.”
Jake: “That’s all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six of these heavy-looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas this shot only has five. What happened to number six? Murdered Robert with it!”
Philip Davidson: “I didn’t.”
Jake: “You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.”
Philip Davidson: “That’s not what happened.”
Lawyer: “Don’t say anything more, Philip.”
Jake: “And your office manager would have heard all of the screaming but she was at her grandson’s play. Lucky again.”
Philip Davidson: “You’re wrong.”
Jake: “You put Robert’s body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator. It’s a miracle there wasn’t blood everywhere.”
Philip Davidson: “That’s not true.”
Jake: “Now you’re in the garage with a corpse. You panicked and left your phone in your office, and you don’t have your car keys, but Robert’s are in his pocket so you put him in his car and you take off.”
Philip Davidson: “No.”
Jake: “You can’t believe what you’ve done.”
Philip Davidson: “No.”
Lawyer: “Philip.”
Jake: “You’re flustered. You have no GPS, so you just start driving.”
Philip Davidson: “No!”
Lawyer: “Philip!”
Jake: “Next thing you know, you’re in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you: your uncle’s cabin. He has a place there. You’re the luckiest son of a bitch.”
Philip Davidson: “It wasn’t luck!”
Jake: “Yes, it was. You got lucky at every turn!”
Philip Davidson: “No. I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn’t use some glass award that any idiot would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It’s already in a patient’s mouth, son!”
Captain Holt: “Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn!”
Jake: “And that is three oh-damns. Oh, damn!” (5×14 – The Box)

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading todays post, I’m going to go and ice my shoulder as well as rest it as much as I can but also keep exercising it. I hope you all have a lovely week, and if the weather forecast is right (especially the U.K) wrap up warm! Now on that note let me finish off by saying see you next week and leave you with this funny moment…