Best Jake Peralta Quotes!

Good morning everyone, how are you all doing? good I hope. It’s been a crazy week, we had to travel back to my hometown for my mum to co-sign some papers to do with my Nans will and her affairs, and whilst that was sorted pretty quickly, it ended with me storming off (in my wheelchair) as I couldn’t take the fake pleasantries anymore with two people who have caused us nothing but aggro and heartache, so I had to remove myself from that situation so my parents didn’t end up getting more aggro from them. Also, my dad and I have each been trying to get into see a doctor as I need some stronger painkillers (as suggested by my physiotherapist) as my shoulder cracked so loudly it echoed around the room and the mobility in it has decreased immensely, and my dad needs to get checked to make sure nothing serious is happening in his body as he keeps dry-heaving for no apparent reason, but it’s literally impossible trying to get an appointment. Anyway, I’ve rambled on far too much, let’s get on with today’s post.

On to this weeks post which is the first instalment of Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s character quotes and we’re starting with the main man himself…Mr. Jake Peralta. Jake is the goofball of the squad. He’s known for his childish charm and laid-back personality. However, he’s also one of the best detectives in the precinct. Fans love him for his kind heart and hilarious one-liners. They also love him because he’s relatable, which makes him such a quotable character, so here are some of his best lines…

Jake: “I guess that’s your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on “Iago,” backstabber.”
Amy: “I’m surprised you’ve read Othello.”
Jake: “What the hell’s Othello? I’m calling you the parrot from Aladdin.” (1×15 – Operation Broken Feather)

Jake: “So, one day I’m working late when my boss, Robert, surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds. Again, junkie scum. Also again, not your fault. There’s a major genetic component to addiction. He says he’s gonna file a police report. I could lose my license. We fight, and something in me just snaps, so I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.”
Lawyer: “You still have no murder weapon.”
Jake: “I do now. Here’s a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago, and here is a shot that our crime scene photographer took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?”
Lawyer: “We’re not answering that.”
Jake: “That’s all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six of these heavy-looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas this shot only has five. What happened to number six? Murdered Robert with it!”
Philip Davidson: “I didn’t.”
Jake: “You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.”
Philip Davidson: “That’s not what happened.”
Lawyer: “Don’t say anything more, Philip.”
Jake: “And your office manager would have heard all of the screaming but she was at her grandson’s play. Lucky again.”
Philip Davidson: “You’re wrong.”
Jake: “You put Robert’s body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator. It’s a miracle there wasn’t blood everywhere.”
Philip Davidson: “That’s not true.”
Jake: “Now you’re in the garage with a corpse. You panicked and left your phone in your office, and you don’t have your car keys, but Robert’s are in his pocket so you put him in his car and you take off.”
Philip Davidson: “No.”
Jake: “You can’t believe what you’ve done.”
Philip Davidson: “No.”
Lawyer: “Philip.”
Jake: “You’re flustered. You have no GPS, so you just start driving.”
Philip Davidson: “No!”
Lawyer: “Philip!”
Jake: “Next thing you know, you’re in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you: your uncle’s cabin. He has a place there. You’re the luckiest son of a bitch.”
Philip Davidson: “It wasn’t luck!”
Jake: “Yes, it was. You got lucky at every turn!”
Philip Davidson: “No. I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn’t use some glass award that any idiot would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It’s already in a patient’s mouth, son!”
Captain Holt: “Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn!”
Jake: “And that is three oh-damns. Oh, damn!” (5×14 – The Box)

Jake: “Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should’ve written this down first.”
Amy: “No, no, it’s okay. Go on.”
Jake: “I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.”
Amy: “I like the second one.”
Jake: “You don’t have to.”
Amy: “Okay.”
Jake: “Yeah. You’re kind, and you’re funny, and you’re the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.”
Amy: “I love yours too.”
Jake: “Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?”
Amy: “Jake Peralta, I will marry you.” (5×4 – HalloVeen)

Jake: “Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “Umm, what?”
Jake: “He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt’s pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He’s in his undies.” (2×12 – Beach House)

Sergeant Jeffords: “I guess I didn’t really think of you as that kind of friend.”
Jake: “Sarge, I’m every kind of friend. I’m Phoebe, I’m Chandler, I’m Rachel, I’m – who’s the dinosaur guy?”
Sergeant Jeffords: “Ross, bro. Ross!”
Jake: “Sorry, I forgot you were such a Ross head.” (2×2 – Chocolate Milk)

Jake: “Hey.”
Amy: “How’d you find me?”
Jake: “January 14th, 2014. Detectives Peralta and Santiago conducted surveillance from a rooftop at 397 Barton Street. This is where we came the night I won our bet and you fell in love with me.”
Amy: “Jake.”
Jake: “The night that you flirted with me for 20 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever.” (4×18 – Chasing Amy)

Jake: “So, I’m going to grab a healthy breakfast.”
Captain Holt: “Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?”
Jake: “Breakfast burrito, but yeah.”
Captain Holt: “I pity your dentist.”
Jake: “Joke’s on you. I don’t have a dentist.” (1×15 – Operation Broken Feather)

Captain Holt: “Now I believe you’ve prepared your own vows?”
Jake: “Yes, I was going to do an “Addams Family” themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn’t here. That’s the only reason it’s not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn’t be surprised, because we’ve had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I’m worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.” (5×22 – Jake & Amy)

[flashback:]
Amy: “What do you mean you’re leaving?”
Jake: “I mean, that’s what I want to do. But only if you agree.”
Amy: “I don’t understand.”
Jake: “Well, for weeks we’ve been trying to figure out how you can do your new job and still have us be there for Mac as much as we want. And I really think this is it.”
Amy: “Yeah, but we have other options.”
Jake: “Yeah. But I think this is the best one. Look, you know I was scared about having kids ’cause I didn’t want to be like my dad. But if I do this, I have a chance to be the exact opposite. And I don’t want Mac to ever feel the way I felt growing up.”
Amy: “And I get that, I really do. But you love being a detective.”
Jake: “I know. It’s all I ever wanted to be. Until now. Now, all I care about is what’s best for our family. And Ames, this is it. I mean, you’ve earned this incredible opportunity. You can’t do it halfway, it’s too important. And Mac’s my little buddy. I want to be at home with him.”
Amy: “Are you sure? Because we could figure something else out. You know I would do anything for you.”
Jake: “I would do anything for you too.”
Amy: “Will you run that half-marathon?”
Jake: “I’m never running the half-marathon, Amy. You gotta stop asking.”
Amy: “You really think you’ll be happy? I don’t want you to give up your dream job just for me.”
Jake: “I have a new dream job now. Trust me, I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”
Amy: “I love you.”
Jake: “I love you too.” (8×9 – The Last Day: Part 1)

Jake: “Yeah, but that’s just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink eight cups of water every month.”
Sergeant Jeffords: “A day.”
Jake: “Sarge, come on. This is not the time for jokes.” (5×20 – Show Me Going)

Doug Judy: [hip-hop beat] ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪ “A lot of room for uh’s. I like that.”
Jake: “I thought you would.”
Doug Judy: ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪
Jake: ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪
Jake: “What?”
Doug Judy: “I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it’s a good idea.”
Jake: “Love it.” ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ “It’s magnets.”
Doug Judy: [laughing] “Okay!” ♪ Yo, you can wear ’em on the beach ♪
Jake: ♪ Wear ’em on a hike ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Wear ’em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪
Both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Rah! ♪
Jake: [laughs] “That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.”
Doug Judy: “I call Ally.”
Jake: “Aw, I wanted Ally.” (8×5 – PB & J)

Jake: “Anyways, you all have your assignments. Let’s plan an ambush. Nine-Nine!”
Everyone: “Nine-Nine!”
Jake: “Chills, you guys. Literally, chills.” (4×3 – Coral Palms Pt. 3)

Jake: “So, do you recognize any of these men?”
Gwen: “I was hiding in the bathroom stall, so I didn’t see his face, but I heard him. He was singing along to the music at the bar.”
Jake: “Do you remember what he was singing?”
Gwen: “I think it was that song, “I Want It That Way”
Jake: “Backstreet Boys, I’m familiar. Okay… Number One, can you please sing the opening to “I Want It That Way”?”
Suspect No1: “Really? Okay. [Singing]  ♪You are my fire…♪
Jake: “Number Two, keep it going…”
Suspect No2: ♪ The one desire…♪
Jake: “Number Three…”
Suspect No3: ♪Believe when I say…♪
Jake: “Number Four…”
Suspect No4: ♪I want it that way…♪
Jake: ♪TELL ME WHY!♪
All Five Suspects: ♪Ain’t nothing but a heartache…♪
Jake: ♪TELL ME WHY!♪
All Five Suspects: ♪Ain’t nothing but a mistake…♪
Jake: ♪Now number five…♪
Suspect No5: ♪I never want to hear you say…♪
Jake: “WOO!”
Suspect No5: ♪I Want It That Way!♪
Jake: “Ahh. Chills you guys. Literal chills…”
Gwen: “It was number five. Number five killed my brother!”
Jake: “Oh my god, I forgot about that part!” (5×17 – DFW)

Charles: “Oh, my God, he’s beautiful. Oh, Jake, he’s got your face.”
Amy: “Charles, meet Mac.”
Jake: “Short for McClane.”
Charles: “As in Shirley? I love it.”
Jake: “No, as in John, from Die Hard.”
Charles: “I mean, they’re both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.” (7×13 – Lights Out)

Jake: “A Nakatomi Plaza cake? The groom is on a licorice hose.”
Amy: [as Bruce Willis] “Welcome to the wedding, pal.”
Jake: “Oh, Amy. These nups may be getting too toit.” (5×6 – The Venue)

Amy: “So did they defuse the bomb?”
Jake: “Yeah, one of ’em. Oh, you didn’t hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.”
Amy: “Aww. On our anniversary.” (6×12 – Casecation)

Amy: “Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn’t.”
Jake: “Oh, no. Is everything okay?”
Amy: “Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right.” [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] “Ames. Are we having a baby?”
Amy: “We’re having a baby.”
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: “It happened!” (7×7 – Ding Dong)

Jake: “So, we broke a rule.”
Amy: “Yeah. Hope it wasn’t a mistake.”
Jake: “Hope it wasn’t a mistake.” Title of your sex tape. Oh! Title of our sex tape!” (3×1 – New Captain)

Jake: “But my point is this: I don’t care what time it is. I’m always happy to be here. Nine-Nine! Nine-Niiine! A-Noine-Noine! I’m gonna keep doing it until you guys chime in. A-Noine-Noine!” (4×4 – The Night Shift)

Jake: “So how’d you convince the whole squad to betray me? What’d you offer them?”
Captain Holt: “I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.”
Jake: “I’m not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.” (Halloween II)

Bianca: “I’m not gonna sell out Freddie. We’re in love. He introduced me to his children as his favorite assistant.”
Peralta: “Come on. He has a dozen mistresses and six girlfriends.”
Bianca: “Freddie loved me. He implied that many times. There’s nobody else, okay?”
Peralta: “Yeah, there is. I just wish I could remember who. So many people were sleeping with each other. It’s kinda hard to keep track. I actually thought of a song that helps me remember. Let’s see.” ♪It goes Mario is doin’ it with Teresa. Teresa is doin’ it with Paulie.♪
Bianca: “I knew that.”
Peralta: ♪Paulie is doin’ it with Lisa and Lisa’s doin’ it with Anthony.♪
Boyle: “I really like this song. Did you come up with the melody?”
Peralta: “I’m pretty sure I did.” ♪Freddie is cheating with Bianca G, but also with her younger sister Valerie.♪
Bianca: “No.”
Peralta: “Oh yeah. I saw them together. That’s why it’s in the song.” (2×1 – Undercover)

Sharon: “Guys, my water just broke.”
Jake: “Don’t worry about that, we’ll just get you another one.
Oh, you mean your body water! That’s much worse.” (3×8 – Ava)

Jake: Yeah, I really wish he’d show up. I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.”
Rosa: “That’s, like, the third time today, man. What is going on with you?”
Jake: “Oh, Amy freaked out ’cause I told her I never drink water so now she’s making me drink eight glasses a day. It’s, like, there’s water in soda, there’s water in coffee, there’s little pools of water on pizza.”
Rosa: “That’s grease, Jake.”
Jake: “Well, it’s wet, isn’t it?” (4×20 – The Slaughterhouse)

Jake: “Captain Holt is in pain, and we need to help him get back together with Kevin.”
Amy: “No, we don’t. Holt is a very private person. We shouldn’t get involved.”
Jake: “Okay, you guys probably don’t know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up.”
Amy: “Yeah, we know.”
Charles: “Oh, my God.”
Jake: “What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn’t matter. The point is, we can’t let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin.”
Rosa: “So we’re just dispensing with subtext now?”
Jake: “Yes, this workplace is my family… was that not clear? Holt is my dad, you’re my mean older sister, Amy’s my mom.”
Amy: “What?”
Jake: “What did I say?”
Amy: “You said, “Amy is my mom.”
Jake: “Nobody said anything! We don’t have time for this, Amy. Now, who’s gonna help me Parent Trap Holt and Kevin? Seriously? Nobody’s on board with my scheme? Is it because I called it a scheme? I can say something different. Nobody’s on board with my stratagem?” (8×2 – The Lake House)

Captain Holt: “So, you’re leaving. That must’ve been a hard decision.”
Jake: “Honestly… [looks at Amy] “It wasn’t.”
Captain Holt: “It’s funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn’t figure out was how to grow up. Well… I think you’ve finally figured it out.”
Jake: “Well, thank you, sir. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
Captain Holt: “Over the years, you’ve sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.”
Jake: “Did I? I didn’t realize that.”
Captain Holt: “But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.”
Jake: “Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn’t expecting to get this emotional.”
Captain Holt: “It’s not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.”
Jake: [chuckles] “Sir, did you just make a joke?”
Captain Holt: “I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect.” [both chuckle softly](8×10 – The Last Day: Part 2)

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading todays post, I hope you all have a lovely week and if the weather forecast is right (in the U.K) wrap up if your going outside and have an umbrella handy. Now on that note let me finish off by saying see you next week!