Good Morning everyone, hope you’re all ok. I’m still on the road to getting better, it’s been 2 weeks of tiredness but my body obviously needs time to heal so I’m listening to it. I sent my nephew a few little presents over the weekend which he seems to love, my sister whats-apped some videos of him listening to a sensory nursery book that he seemed to be smiling and kicking his legs to which was very cute to see, and I bought him a cute Zebra cuddly which I can proudly say is named Zenny the Zebra (unanimous decision) 🦓.
Shall we move onto today’s post? Well ok then. We’re back with another installment of best Friends quotes and this week (which is pretty obvious from the title) it’s……Rachel Green! Lets go.
50 of the Best Rachel Green Quotes
Rachel: Hi. I’m sorry. I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
Phone Guy: I’m talking.
Rachel: I can see that. Just one phone call, I’ll be very quick. I’ll even pay for it myself. Okay, you’re being a little weird about your phone.
Phone Guy: All right. Fine. I’ll call you back.
Rachel: Thank you. Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Michael: Good.
Rachel: Ross! Hi, it’s Rachel. I’m just calling to say that everything’s fine. And I’m really happy for you and your cat. Who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. You see there, I’m thinking of names so obviously I am over you. I am over you. And that, my friend, is what they call “closure.” (2×7 -The One Where Ross Finds Out)
Rachel: [on answering machine] Ross, hi. It’s me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It’s just that I wasn’t expecting to see you and all of a sudden you’re there and saying these things. And- And now I’m just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I’ve gotta see you. I’ve gotta get off this plane.
Ross: Oh my God!
Rachel: [on answering machine] Excuse me?
Stewardess: [on answering machine] Miss? Please, sit down.
Rachel: [on answering machine] No, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love them.
Stewardess: [on answering machine] Miss, I can’t let you off the plane.
Ross: Let her off the plane!
Stewardess: [on answering machine] I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel: [on answering machine] Oh, please, miss, you don’t understand!
Ross: Try to understand!
Rachel: [on answering machine] Oh, come on, miss, isn’t there any way that you can just let me off- [beep]
Ross: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: I got off the plane. (10×18 – The Last One: Part 2)
Joey: So you have a big work problem?
Rachel: Yeah. It’s, uh- Yeah, it’s, uh- You know, it’s nothing.
Joey: Okay. So I think I’m gonna take off.
Rachel: No, wait, Joey, it is. It’s something. It’s- It’s my boss.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. And, uh- And my baby.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby.
Joey: What? Oh, my God.
Rachel: I know, I told you, it’s a really big problem.
Joey: He wants to buy your baby?
Rachel: Can you believe that?
Joey: That’s crazy.
Rachel: That’s what I told him.
Joey: How did this even happen?
Rachel: Well, I’ll tell you. See, my boss and his wife, they can’t have children, so- And then when we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk, he said to me, “Rachel, I want to buy your baby.”
Joey: Man. When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Rachel: Oh. Yeah. … Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem. (8×17 – The One with the Tea Leaves)
Rachel: You know what, honey? Guys are just different. They like things that we can’t understand. You know, I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend that he was an archaeologist, and I was this naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Ew. Are you talking about my brother?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t disguise that very well, did I? (9×4 – The One With The Sharks)
Phoebe: Maybe instead of thinking about how you’re going to miss each other, you should think about some of the things you’re not gonna miss.
Monica: I don’t think there’s anything.
Phoebe: Come on, there’s gotta be something.
Monica: No. She’s perfect.
Rachel: I have one.
Phoebe: Good. Great. Okay, you can go first.
Rachel: Well, I guess I’m not gonna miss the fact that you’re never allowed to move the phone pen.
Phoebe: Good. That’s a good one. Okay, Monica, anything? You know, does Rachel move the phone pen?
Monica: Sometimes. Always, actually.
Phoebe: Okay. There you go. Doesn’t everyone feel better?
Monica: Not just the phone pen. I never get my messages.
Rachel: You get your messages.
Monica: Yeah, well, I don’t think it really counts if you have to read them off the back of your hand after you’ve fallen asleep on the couch.
Rachel: So you missed a message from who? Chandler? Or your mom? Or Chandler? Or your mom?
Phoebe: Great. It worked. No one’s sad. (6×6 – The One On The Last Night)
Rachel: Okay, I know how to settle this. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to write “Joey” on one napkin. And I’m going to write “Ross” on the other napkin. And we are going to pick one and that person is going to be our backup. Okay? Here we go.
Joey: That sounds fair.
Ross: Okay, fine.
Phoebe: Good.
Rachel: Switching them up. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Pick one.
Phoebe: Left. Thank you.
Rachel: You’re welcome.
Phoebe: Ross.
Rachel: Joey. Hmm. We should just switch.
Phoebe: Yeah, absolutely. (6×25 – The One With The Proposal: Part 2)
Ross: Rachel, what are you doing here?
Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: What’s her last name?
Rachel: Carol … Lesbian.
Ross: Nice. (7×16 – The One With The Truth About London)
Rachel: Oh, wait. You know what? I can’t look at it. I can’t look at it. Somebody else tell me.
Phoebe: It’s negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It’s negative.
Rachel: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That’s great. That is really great news. You know, because the whole not being ready, the financial aspects, all that- Well, this is so just the way it was supposed to be.
Monica: Well then, great.
Rachel: God. This is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative?
Phoebe: No, it’s positive.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It’s not negative, it’s positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, yeah, I lied before. Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh, that’s a risky little game. (8×1 – The One After I Do)
Rachel: I’m apartment hunting.
Ross: You’re moving?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, “How you doin’?” (8×7 – The One With The Stain)
Rachel: I haven’t seen you in, like, a year.
Amy: Oh, I know. I know. I’ve just been crazed.
Rachel: Well, me too. I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated Dad’s office.
Rachel: Yeah? Well, unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. (9×8 – The One With Rachel’s Other Sister)
Rachel: Mon, okay, I’ve gotta just say what it is I’m gonna say. None of the amazing things that happened to me in the last ten years would have happened if it wasn’t for you. No one has been more like a sister to me.
Monica: I know what you mean. You are like a sister to me too. (10×16 – The One With Rachel’s Going Away Party)
Rachel: Come on, Daddy, listen to me! It’s like all of my life, everyone has always told me, “You’re a shoe!” “You’re a shoe!” “You’re a shoe!” And then today I just stopped and said, What if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse? Or a hat? No, I don’t want you to buy me a hat! I’m saying that I am a hat. It’s a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he’d have trouble. (1×1 – The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate)
Ross: You’re welcome.
Rachel: I’m sorry. Were you speaking to me, or sleeping with someone else?
Ross: We were on a break!
Rachel: You know, Ross, why don’t you just put that on your answering machine? (3×17 – The One Without The Ski Trip)
Rachel: Put that box down. We are not going anywhere. This is my apartment and I like it. This is a girl’s apartment. That is a boy’s apartment. It’s dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It’s so pretty. And look, it’s purple. And I’m telling you, you with your steady hand, I am not moving. And now I have got the steady hand. [Rachel holds out a shaky hand] (4×12 – The One With The Embryos)
Rachel: So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No, it was marked “confidential.” I just sent it down to human resources.
Rachel: Okay, please, you’re kidding, right? I wrote that one as a joke for you.
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I’m thinking, no.
Tag: What did you say?
Rachel: I said I thought you were a good kisser and that I liked your teeny, tiny tushy.
Tag: Oh, no, not my tushy.
Rachel: Oh, it gets worse. Where asked if you take initiative, I wrote: “Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision.” And under problems with performance, I wrote, “Dear God, I hope not.” And then- And then I drew a little smiley face. And then a small pornographic sketch. (7×9 – The One With All The Candy)
Rachel: No, we’re going to split it. You take half and I take half.
Chandler: That’s not fair. You’ve already had some.
Rachel: Well, I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake “dry and mealy.”
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay. All right, pick a half.
Chandler: Okay. Well, this side looks bigger. But there’s more crust on this side. Maybe if I measure it-
Rachel: Oh, for God sake, just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, I pick that one.
Rachel: Ha, that’s the smaller piece. Okay. There you go. Enjoy your half, my friend. But that is it. No sharing, no switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (7×11 – The One With All The Cheesecakes)
Ross: Hey, Rach. I think I know what will make you feel better. How about you make a list about me?
Rachel: Forget it, Ross. No, I’m not gonna stand here and make a list- Okay, you are whiny, you are obsessive, you are insecure, you’re gutless. You don’t ever just, sort of “seize the day”. You know, you liked me for a year and you didn’t do anything about it. Oh, and you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
Ross: See, there, you- All right, you did what I said.
Rachel: And you know what? You’re right. I do feel better. Thank you, Ross. (2×9 – The One With Phoebe’s Dad)
Ross: What are you doing?
Rachel: I’m holding Ben.
Ross: Yeah, well, he’s a baby, not a bomb. Just hold him like you’d hold a football.
Rachel: This is how I would hold a football. (2×20 – The One Where Old Yeller Dies)
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
Rachel: No, Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. [puts a marshmallow up Monica’s nose]
Monica: [blows it out] Every year. (3×9 – The One With The Football)
Joey: Beth dies? Is that true? lf I keep reading, is Beth gonna die?
Chandler: No, Beth doesn’t die. She doesn’t die. Does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Joey’s just asking if you’ve ruined the first book he’s ever loved that didn’t star Jack Nicholson.
Rachel: No. She doesn’t die.
Joey: Then why would you say that?
Rachel: Because I wanted to hurt you. (3×13 – The One Where Monica And Richard Are Just Friends)
Ross: Hey, could I get in on that? Because I’m kind of hungry myself.
Rachel: Fine. [on the phone] Hi. Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza.
Ross: No anchovies.
Rachel: With extra anchovies.
Ross: That’s okay. I’ll just pick them off.
Rachel: Yeah, and could you just chop some up and put it right in the sauce? (3×16 – The One With The Morning)
Rachel: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: What’s your problem?
Ross: Nothing. It’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
Rachel: Right, because you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play “Wipe Out” on your butt cheeks. (3×18 – The One With The Hypnosis Tape)
Rachel: I have all of these feelings, and I don’t know what to do about them. Because I can’t date a normal person, which is fine because I don’t need a relationship. I mean, all I really want is one great night! Just sex, you know. No strings attached. No relationship. Just with someone that I feel comfortable with, and who knows what he’s doing. For just one great night. I mean, is that really so hard to find? … So how was your day?
Joey: Good. I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early, and it’s almost 7:00.
Joey: Yeah, I gotta go to my room.
Rachel: Good night.
Joey: Good night. I can’t do it!
Rachel: I didn’t ask you to do it.
Joey: You’re Rachel.
Rachel: You’re Joey.
Joey: You’re my friend.
Rachel: Right back at you.
Joey: Plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad.
Rachel: So bad. But I don’t even know what you’re talking about, because I didn’t ask you to do anything.
Joey: I know. … You wanna do it?
Rachel: No!
Joey: Me neither. I’m just testing you!
Rachel: Well, that’s the end of this conversation.
Joey: This conversation never happened.
Rachel: Never happened. Good night.
Joey: Good night. [Rachel opens her bedroom door] Get back in there! (8×11 – The One With Ross’s Step Forward)
Rachel: Why aren’t you more excited?
Ross: Rach, Gleba is not a word.
Rachel: Well, of course it is.
Ross: Okay. What does it mean?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know all the words.
Ross: You know, I’m just glad I didn’t miss my daughter’s first word.
Rachel: Yes you did. Gleba is a word.
Ross: Okay. Use it in a sentence.
Rachel: Okay. Emma just said, “Gleba.”
Ross: It’s not a word.
Rachel: Okay, fine. I’m gonna look it up.
Ross: Okay, great. You know what, while you’re at it, she said another word the other day.
Why don’t you look up: [blows raspberry] (9×18 – The One With The Lottery)
Rachel: You know what? I have a friend who’s a masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh? “Ja”, “ja”?
Rachel: “Ja”. She’s not very good, though.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because she’s got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar.
Phoebe: Ha ha. Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you’re such a high-maintenance tight-ass.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: You know it’s me?
Rachel: Well, for like a half an hour. Man, you can lie about Sweden (9×21 – The One With The Fertility Test).
Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes in all different shapes. And if you give them a photo, they’ll copy it in icing.
Monica: Did you give them a picture of Emma?
Rachel: Yes. On a cake shaped like a bunny.
Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say, for bachelorette parties?
Rachel: Ross, what are you talking? Oh, my God! They put my baby’s face on a penis!
Phoebe: Now it’s a party!
Rachel: Wait, you guys, this isn’t funny. If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself! (10×4 – The One With The Cake)
Thank you for visiting my blog, I hope you enjoyed this weeks edition of Friends Character Quotes with Rachel! Enjoy the rest of your week and stay safe and dry! 🌧️☔ and I shall see you next Wednesday!
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