Best Ted Mosby Quotes

Good morning all, hope you all had a nice Easter weekend! Did anyone go crazy with eating chocolate Easter eggs? or did you pace yourself? I personally didn’t actually have much chocolate over the Easter period, mostly because too much chocolate makes me feel ill and causes my headaches to get worse. The sun actually came out just in time for Sunday in the U.K which was a nice change, so instead of staying indoors (as all shops were closed for the day) we decided to make use of the nice weather and go out for a walk in the park instead and take some pictures of the flowers that we saw, which I have uploaded onto my computer and I must say they have actually turned out really good and show the beautiful colours that radiates from the flowers themselves! Other than that we’ve actually had more of a chilled week, which my body’s thankful for as the past couple of weeks have been draining physically, emotionally and mentally – especially where my energy is concerned, so I’ve really had to refrain and pull back on over-exerting myself any further, instead I took some of the tips I put in last weeks post and put them to use i.e. having a mini pamper session, reading, watching a good movie and a couple of episodes of a few different comedy shows, which brings me to this weeks post…

Last month I did a post on the best How I Met Your Mother Quotes and I mentioned that I would be doing a post on each of the main character’s best quotes and I’m going to kick things off with the main man himself Mr Ted Mosby. Despite being somewhat high-brow, cerebrally, Ted is one of the most relatable protagonists on television. Though the show follows his pursuit to find “the one,” Ted isn’t exactly delusional or out of touch with reality. In fact, many times Ted comes across as the most sensible person in his squad and he often echoes what fans are thinking. He’s also the only person who can give his friends a reality check without hurting their feelings. Let’s take a look at some of his best quotes..

Ted: [on answering machine] “Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren’t you? Well, stop it. She’s not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “But I didn’t say “Grinch.” I said a bad word. A very, very bad word.”
Ted: “Oh, fudge.”
Future Ted: “But I didn’t say fudge.” (2×11 – How Lily Stole Christmas)

(8×20 – The Time Travelers)

Ted: “Okay, look, I’ve never told you guys this, but over the years, a few of my old high school buddies have asked me to give wedding toasts, and they haven’t gone great. [v.o.] Somehow those weddings all fell smack-dab in the worst moments of my life.”
[flashback to a wedding in 2008:]
Ted: “Joel and Mora’s love is a beautiful thing. I thought I had that… till my fiancee left me at the altar last week. I was asked not to talk about this, so I won’t. [sobbing] I sit outside her house at night sometimes. She got a haircut.”
[flashback to a wedding in 2009:]
Ted: “After I lost my job last week, uh, I was asked not to give this toast… [The groom tries to take the mic] No, no, no! The happy couple needs to hear this. Things end. But from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce, hope can rise anew. That is why I’m starting my own architecture firm, Mosbius Designs.”
[flashback to a wedding three months later:]
Ted: “Mosbius Designs has failed. But Alex and Jessica’s love reminds us that… [sobs] Oh, God!”
Punchy: “Classic Schmosby.” (7×1 – The Best Man)

(7×21 – Now We’re Even)

Future Ted: [v.o.] “Kids, I had just started dating Zoey. And when you first start dating someone, everyone wants to know the same thing.”
Ted: “How did we meet?”
Zoey: “Oh, Ted, she doesn’t want…”
Ted: “No, it’s a cute story. [v.o.] Once upon a time, Zoey was married to this super rich, super creepy guy called The Captain. So when Zoey and I became friends, I was careful not to cross any lines.”
[flashback to Zoey on the couch with popcorn. Ted sits far back at his desk:]
Zoey: “Oh, man, this movie is scary.”
Ted: “I know, right?”
Ted: [v.o.] “But then one day, Zoey and The Captain had a huge fight. He flipped out and demanded a divorce. And she was heartbroken. But after a little soul-searching, she ended up back in my life, and the rest, as they say, is history.”
Wendy: “Actually, I said, “How’s your meat?”
Ted: “Oh. A little cold.”
Wendy: “Gee, wonder why.” (6×17 – Garbage Island)

(3×7 – Dowisetrepla)

Ted: “Wait a second. This is my umbrella. I left this umbrella at Cindy’s, you totally stole my umbrella.”
The Mother: [laughs] “What? No, I didn’t. This is my umbrella. I bought this.”
Ted: “Excuse me. It even has my initials on it right here: T.M. Ted Mosby.”
The Mother: “Yeah. Look again, Ted Mosby. Those are my initials: T.M. Tracy McConnell.”
Ted: “Um, no, Tracy McConnell, it’s T.M. Totally My umbrella.”
The Mother: “Uh, your T.M., Terribly Mistaken, because this umbrella has always belonged T.M.: To Me. [laughs] Although, I did lose it for a few years there. Um, so, I went to this dance club…”
Ted: “On St. Patrick’s Day.”
The Mother: “…on St. Patrick’s Day.”
Ted: “And you left it there.”
The Mother: “And I left it there.”
Ted: “And you never thought you’d see it again.”
The Mother: “And I never thought I’d see it again. Funny how sometimes you just… find things.”
Ted: “Hi.”
The Mother: “Hi.” (9×23 – Last Forever)

(5×14 – The Perfect Week)

Ted: “Uh, hold on, you guys are forgetting, Barney Stinson has a super power. He can’t take a bad photo. Okay, here. Watch. Guys, Barney may be dead.” (9×18 – Rally)

(6×23 – Landmarks)

Zoey: “Ted! Ted! What is that?”
Ted: “Oh, my God! It’s the cock-a-mouse!”
Zoey: “The what?”
Ted: “Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must’ve settled here. And, oh, look! It had babies. Good for it!”
Zoey: “Ew. I give up. You win. Let’s go.”
Ted: “Be well, my friends!” (6×22 – The Perfect Cocktail)

(9×19 – Vesuvius)

Future Ted: [v.o.] “To understand what it meant to us to get the keys to MacLaren’s, I have to take you back a few years to the night that I uttered five little words that every man at some point in his life will say.”
Ted: “We should buy a bar.”
Barney: “Of course, we should buy a bar!”
Ted: “We should totally buy a bar.”
Barney: “We should totally buy a bar.”
Ted: “Our bar would be awesome.”
Barney: “And dude, dude, dude… Dude! The name of our bar Puzzles. People will be like, “Why is it called Puzzles?” That’s the puzzle.”
Ted: “That is… a great name for a bar! And also, at Puzzles: no last call.”
Barney: “No last call!”
Ted: “Only when every single person is finished having the greatest night of his or her life do we stack the chairs on the table and power down the three-story margarita waterfall.”
Barney: [laughs] “We should buy a bar.”
Ted: “We should buy a bar.” (4×13 – Three Days Of Snow)

(8×24 – Something New)

Barney: [on the phone] “Come on, we always go to MacLaren’s.”
Ted: “Yeah, cause MacLaren’s is fun.”
Barney: “MacLaren’s is this much fun. What I’m offering is the chance to have this much fun.”
Ted: “See, you say that. You say it’s going to be this much fun. But most of the time it ends up being this much fun. This much fun is good! It’s safe. It’s guaranteed!”
Barney: “This hand gesture thing doesn’t really work on the phone, does it?”
Ted: “No, it doesn’t.” (1×3 – Sweet Taste Of Liberty)

(2×17 – Arrivederci, Fiero)

Ted: “I guess, what, we’ll need fake names?”
Victoria: “Um, you can call me Buttercup. [Victoria and Ted shake hands]
Ted: “Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I’m Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded…”
Barney: [enters] “Ted, Ted, Ted, look, I got a bridesmaid, Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid, Ted, look. See ya, Ted.” [leaves]
Ted: “So, I’m Ted.”
Victoria: “Victoria. But no last names.”
Ted: “No last names.” (1×13 – Drumroll, Please)

(8×7 – The Stamp Tramp)

Robin: “See, this is why I don’t tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn’t keep a secret.”
Ted: “But it was a fake secret.”
Robin: “Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you’re never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it’s good too.”
Ted: “Testing me, that’s insane.”
Robin: “Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?”
Ted: “That wasn’t a real secret.”
Robin: “Yeah, but it could have been.”
Ted: “You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.”
Robin: “He moved there for business.” (2×9 – Slap Bet)

(2×22 – Something Blue)

Robin: “Well, of course you think it comes naturally. You’re basically a dad already.”
Lily: “You’re a total dad.”
Ted: “What are you talking about?”
Robin: “Ted, think about it. You tell super corny dad jokes.”
Ted: “Shredded tweet! Oh, man! Shredded tweet.”
Robin: [v.o.] “You lecture us. Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.”
Ted: “I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.”
Barney: “She did it!”
Robin: “Shut up!”
Robin: [v.o.] “And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.”
Lori: “Hi, I’m Lori. I’ll be your waitress this evening.”
Ted: “Hi, Lori, I’m Ted. I’ll be your customer this evening. Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me, what do you get when you cross a canary with a lawn mower? No hints. No hints.”
Lily: “She’s right. Ted, you maybe single and childless, but you’re totally a dorky dad.”
Ted: “I don’t think I like your tone, young lady.” (4×7 – Not A Father’s Day)

(5×19 – Zoo Or False)

Jen: “Now what?”
Ted: “I just remembered why I didn’t call you.”
Jen: “Why?”
Ted: “I can’t believe I’m gonna screw this up again, but, um, I like finding typos in menus.”
Jen: “What?”
Ted: “And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth, I’m not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.”
Jen: “Now that you mention it, I’m never going to stop talking about my cats. They’re funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.”
Ted: “Shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?”
Jen: “Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn’t happen.”
Ted: “Well, good luck out there, Jen.”
Jen: “You too, Ted. You’ll find your shellfish lady.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.” (5×2 – Double Date)

(6×8 – Natural History)

Ted: “Hi.”
Virginia Mosby: “Ted, what are you doing here?”
Ted: “I never got to give you guys your toast. I was selfish, and I freaked out, and I’m so sorry. So here it is. [clears throat] How about a hand for the DJ? Gesture to D… I’ll skip down. Mom, I love you. And I’ve never seen you as happy as you are with Clint. And, Clint, welcome to the family. What you two have is what I one day hope to find. But until then, cheers to you both. I love you guys.”
Virginia Mosby: “Ted. I am so… baked right now. I’m only 60% sure you’re actually standing in front of me. But if you are, I love you. And you are the best son a mother could ever have.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “There was no logical reason why my mother should be with a guy like that. And yet, as you kids know, being with your Grandpa Clint was the best decision your grandma ever made. Sometimes, our best decisions are the ones that don’t make any sense at all.” (5×20 – Home Wreckers)

(6×14 – Last Words)

Robin: “But, Ted, am I just the biggest idiot in the world?”
Ted: “Look, think about all of us five years ago, when we first met you. Marshall and Lily were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Now they’re married and thinking about kids. And Barney? Barney was never gonna commit to anyone, ever. And last year, he fell in love. And me, I was chasing some girl I was convinced was the one. Now she’s one of my closest friends. And you? Five years ago, you never would’ve chosen love over your career. But today, you did.”
Robin: “Looks like I’m getting dumber.”
Ted: “No, just more courageous. Look, we’ve all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. You know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five Years Ago Robin? That girl, she was pretty great. But Doppelganger Robin? She’s amazing.” (5×24 – Doppelgangers)

(4×5 – Shelter Island)

Ted: “Jessica is a Rhodes scholar. She’s traveled all over the world. Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist. And Claire reached for the check. So I don’t know. It’s a squeaker. I mean, both of these girls have the potential to be something really special. They both move on to the next round.” (7×2 – The Naked Truth)

(7×10 – Tick Tick Tick)

Ted: “Oh, guess who I ran into. A girl from my past. Any guesses?”
Lily: “Stella.”
Barney: “Zoe.”
Marshall: “Karen?”
Lily: “The girl who beat you up.”
Barney: “The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!”
Marshall: “The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?”
Ted: “Wow, you make it sound like I’ve dated a series of Stieg Larrson novels.” (7×3 – The Ducky Tie)

(4×2 – The Best Burger In New York)

Barney: “What’s going on?”
Ted: “Barney, this in an intervention. [Marshall clears his throat] A “Quinntervention.” You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don’t trust her. We’re just looking out for your best interests. [Marshall clears his throat] “Quinn-terests.” (7×19 – The Broath)

(5×15 – Rabbit Or Duck)

Lily: “Wait, that’s the giant suit Marshall wore on our third date.”
[on tape:]
Ted: “So, Marshall Eriksen, you just came back from your third date with Lily. How was it?”
Marshall: “Great, yeah. I just… I think I’m falling for this girl pretty hard. But is everything happening too fast? I mean, maybe I should see other people.”
Ted: “Whoa, dude, no! Lily Aldrin is special. You hold on to that girl.”
Marshall: “She is. I’m only 18 and…”
Ted: “Marshall, you being 18 isn’t a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her. I mean, I’m probably not gonna meet my wife until I’m, like, 23.”
Marshall: “You’re right. What am I thinking? I’m in love with this girl.”
Lily: “Ted, oh, my God. You gave me the ultimate stamp. And in my whole life, this life… it all goes back to that moment.” (8×17 – The Stamp Tramp)

(1×10 – The Pineapple Incident)

Ted: “Hey, how was your day?”
Lily: “Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.”
Ted: “A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.” (3×19 – Everything Must Go)

(8×10 – The Over-Correction)

Robin: “I… I can’t shake it. I-I can’t shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.”
Ted: “But love doesn’t make sense. I mean, you can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost and… and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s-it’s just true. You love Barney, and-and he loves you. And that doesn’t have to make sense to make sense.” (9×22 – The End Of The Aisle)

(7×12 – Symphony Of Illumination)

Ted: “Look, I may not see him a lot, but it doesn’t matter. Observe.”
Punchy: [answers phone] “Schmosby!”
Ted: “Punchy!”
Punchy: “Schmosby!”
Ted: “Punchy!”
Punchy: [high-pitched] “Schmosby!”
Ted: [high-pitched] “Punchy!”
Punchy: [high-pitched] “Schmoosby!”
Ted: [high-pitched] “Punchy!”
Punchy: “Hey, good talking to you, Ted.”
Ted: “Yeah, you, too. If you’re ever in New York.”
Punchy: “Definitely.” [hangs up]
Ted: “We are just two peas.” (6×9 – Glitter)

(5×1 – Definitions)

Ted: “The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that’s what makes them such a great couple. A perfect balance.” [eats olive]
Robin: “You know, I’ve had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.”
Ted: “I can take them off your hands.”
Robin: “They’re all yours.” (1×1 – Pilot)

(3×9 – Slapsgiving)

Ted: “What does being “ready” even mean? I thought I was “ready” last year. I wound up getting left at the altar. I’ll be honest, guys. I’m a little scared. [hands go up] Louis, then Betty.”
Louis: “We’re all scared, Professor Mosby.”
Betty: “Doesn’t being scared let you know you’re on to something important?”
Ted: “Yeah. I mean, if you’re not scared, you’re not taking a chance. And if you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing? Right?”
Jamie: “I think you’re ready, bro.” (5×10 – The Window)

(1×8 – The Duel)

Ted: “Maybe. But it’s a mistake I have to make.”
Marshall: “Wrong. It’s a mistake you don’t have to make. Look at the evidence. You and Robin have tried this again and again…”
Future Ted: “Here’s the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something’s a mistake, you gotta make it anyway. Even really dumb mistakes.” (1×21 – Milk)

(4×1 – Do I Know You?)

Future Ted: [v.o.] “Kids, there are two big days in any love story: The day you meet the girl of your dreams, and the day you marry her.” (6×1 – Big Days)

(4×6 – Happily Ever After)

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading today’s post, If its cold outside where you live (like it is here in the U.K) and you have plans for being outside over the next week I hope the weather warms up a bit so you can go outside and enjoy the sunshine, for now though I shall say see you next time…hopefully!

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