Best Howard Wolowitz Quotes!

Good morning, how is everyone? Doing well I hope. It feels like this week has passed by in a blur and the days have just melded together, as you wouldn’t believe it but quite a bit has happened. Firstly) My nan is out of the hospital and back in her own home (which she is incredibly happy about). Secondly) Isaac, my little nephew ended up at the hospital late Sunday night where he was diagnosed with Croup – an infection of the upper airway, which obstructs breathing and causes a characteristic barking cough. He seems to be doing better now, thankfully, from what my sister has told us, but sending them all a lot of love and get well soon wishes! Thirdly) There have been a few phone calls between my parents (mostly my mum) and some people to do with adapted housing, regarding my wheelchair measurements in order to make our next property easily accessible for me as that hasn’t been the case in the past few years. Those are only a few things that have happened this past week, there have been some other things but I’ve rambled on enough.

On with today’s post which if you haven’t already guessed is the third installment of the best character quotes from The Big Bang Theory … and this week is the turn of an aerospace engineer and former NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz. Before falling in love and marrying Bernadette, he was a self-proclaimed “horny engineer.” He couldn’t always get the woman he was after but that didn’t stop him from trying. Thankfully, over the course of 12 seasons, we’ve seen Howard grow into a family man; someone who’s entirely dedicated to his wife and children. But that doesn’t mean he lost his sense of humor. Here are some of his best/funniest quotes.

Howard: “You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.”
Sheldon: “Why?”
Howard: “Once you’re fluent, you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.” (1×17 – The Tangerine Factor)

(6×11 – The Santa Simulation)

Josh: “So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?”
Howard: “It was actually just a mechanical hand.”
Josh: “‘Cause that’s all you need, right?”
Howard: “You are my brother.” (8×20 – The Fortification Implementation)

(9×15 – The Valentino Submergence)

Howard: “Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.”
Penny: “What?”
Howard: “Just do it!”
Penny: “It’s a non-optional social convention.”
Sheldon: “Oh, fair enough.”
Howard: “He came with a manual.” (1×16 – The Peanut Reaction)

(10×12 – The Holiday Summation)

Mrs. Wolowitz: “Howard! What are you doing in there? “
Howard: “Taking a bath.”
Mrs. Wolowitz: “I hope that’s all you’re doing, we share that tub.”
Howard: “Don’t remind me.” (3×9 – The Vengeance Formulation)

(6×22 – The Proton Resurgence)

Howard: “How are you feeling?”
Bernadette: “Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.”
Howard: “Me, too. I thought I’d be super freaked out. But I’m ready for this. Well, not the part where you’re in labor and you squeeze my fingers till they turn blue.”
Bernadette: “I’m sorry. That must be really painful for you.”
Howard: “It is. I mean, last time, I- Okay, I see what you’re doing” (11×16 – The Neonatal Nomenclature)

(2×6 – The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem)

Howard: “This is actually kind of nice, you and me getting to spend a couple days in bed together.”
Bernadette: “Yeah. Pretty soon, we’re gonna have two crying babies in the house.”
Howard: (sighs) “I’m glad my balls hurt. It’s all their fault.” (11×6 – The Proton Regeneration)

(3×3 – The Gothowitz Deviation)

Raj: “What do you say, Howard?”
Howard: “I say Vegas baby!”
Raj: “What are you gonna tell your mother?”
Howard: “Sea World baby!” (2×21 – The Vegas Renormalization)

(2×19 – The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition)

Sheldon: (On the phone) “Howard, I’m sick.”
Howard: (Hesitating, Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) “Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?”
Sheldon: “I need soup!”
Howard: (Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) “Then call your own mother.” (1×11 – The Pancake Batter Anomaly)

(3×21 – The Plimpton Stimulation)

Howard: “I think you broke the dowels. You’re not gonna have time to glue it back on. You’ll have to nail it.”
Raj: “With what?”
Howard: “Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?”
Raj: “She does.”
Howard: “Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer!”
Raj: “Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?” (8×17 – The Colonization Application)

(4×20 – The Herb Garden Germination)

Mrs. Wolowitz: “What’s going on? Are you boys roughhousing?”
Howard: “We’re just talking, Ma!”
Mrs. Wolowitz: “If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not gonna let you have any more sleepovers.”
Howard: “For God’s Sake, Ma, I’m 27 years old. And it’s not even a school night.” (2×1 – The Bad Fish Paradigm)

(1×2 – The Big Bran Hypothesis)

Bernadette: “Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you had a healthy lunch?”
Howard: “My mother calls me every day at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.” (3×5 – The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary)

(1×14 – The Nerdvana Annihilation)

Bernadette: “What should we do?”
Howard: “I’ll tell you exactly what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna eat it.”
Bernadette: “There’s like twenty pounds of food in there.”
Howard: “All you said was, I had to get rid of things. You didn’t say they couldn’t pass through my colon first.” (8×18 – The Leftover Thermalization)

(12×17 – The Conference Valuation)

Bernadette: “Hey, Howie, how you feeling?”
Wolowitz: “Better. Much better. The other astronauts held me down and gave me a shot. Oooh. Attention, people of Earth. Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.”
Bernadette: “Howie, stop that. NASA’s watching this! Put your pants back on!” (6×3 – The Higgs Boson Observation)

(10×2 – The Military Miniaturization)

Howard: “When he gets home, I’m dropping the hammer.”
Bernadette: “Ooh, I like when you take charge.”
Howard: “Oh, I’m not taking charge. You’re the hammer.” (8×24 – The Commitment Determination)

(4×17 – The Toast Derivation)

Howard: “Morning.”
Bernadette: “Morning.”
Howard: “We”? What is this?”
Bernadette: “I don’t know. Maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: “Continued on milk.” If you’re tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn’t work for my mom, and it won’t work for you.
“We are … see spoons for more.”
Bernadette: “What could it be? “We are Groot?” “We are the champions?” “We are family, I got all my sisters with me?”
Howard: “Are you serious?”
Bernadette: “Yeah.”
Howard: “Are you sure?”
Bernadette: “Pretty positive. That’s a joke because the pregnancy test says-“
Howard: “Oh, my God. This is incredible.
We’re gonna be parents.
We’re gonna get to board planes first.
We’re finally gonna get to see what’s in that family bathroom at the mall.” (9×16 – The Positive Negative Reaction)

(3×1 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation)

Howard: “I need to talk to Bernadette.”
“Well, I don’t think she wants to talk to anyone right now.”
“All right, well, could you at least give her a message?”
“Yeah, sure, I guess.”
“Tell her I’m really sorry, and if she doesn’t want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she’s disgusted by, is the guy that I’m disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn’t exist anymore, he’s gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.” (5×22 – The Stag Convergence)

(5×24 – The Countdown Reflection)

Baggage Clerk Woman: “Mr. and Mrs. Wolowitz? As far as I can tell, your bag arrived in Los Angeles.”
Bernadette: “So, where is it?”
Baggage Clerk Woman: “I don’t know, perhaps somebody took it off the carousel by mistake?”
Howard: “So, some stranger has my mom? Is that what you’re telling me? My poor mother can be anywhere in Los Angeles right now?!”
Baggage Clerk Woman: “I, I wish I was telling you that. Um, but the passenger could’ve gotten on an international flight.”
Howard: “Oh, okay, great. So, your entire job is to find lost luggage, and you’ve narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth!”
Baggage Clerk Woman: “I’m sorry. W-would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.” (8×16 – The Intimacy Acceleration)

(4×23 – The Engagement Reaction)

Howard: (watching America’s Next Top Model): “Oh, look! That’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of… what a coincidence… it’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.”
Leonard: “Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.” (2×7 – The Panty Pinata Polarization)

(3×8 – The Adhesive Duck Deficiency)

Stuart: “I’m picking her up in an hour. What am I gonna do?!”
Howard: “Don’t you mean what are you gonna “Oompa Loompa doompety do”?” (12×2 – The Wedding Gift Wormhole)

(2×17 – The Terminator Decoupling)

Howard: “Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?”
Sheldon: “To go to Jewish heaven.”
Howard: “Jews don’t have heaven.”
Sheldon: “To avoid Jewish hell?”
Howard: “Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.” (5×21 – The Hawking Excitation)

(3×10 – The Gorilla Experiment)

Howard: “I invented a game. Want to play?”
Leonard: “Sure.”
Howard: “It’s called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I’ve heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.” (8×13 – The Anxiety Optimization)

(2×4 – The Grifin Equivalency)

Leonard: “What would you guys do if you were me?”
Wolowitz: “I would take Sheldon to Switzerland.”
Leonard: “Seriously?”
Wolowitz: “Absolutely. And I’d leave him there.” (3×15 – The Large Hadron Collision)

(7×3 – The Scavenger Vortex)

Penny: “What the hell is that?”
Howard: “Meatloaf.”
Leonard: “What was it doing on the ceiling?”
Howard: “That’s classified.” (2×22 – The Classified Materials Turbulence)

(2×20 – The Hofstadter Isotope)

Howard: “Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?”
Raj: “I thought we were going to be gentle with him.”
Howard: “That’s why I added the ‘-tator’. (3×1 – The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation)

(10×1 – The Conjugal Conjecture)

Howard: [singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up]
“If I didn’t have you,
Life would be blue,
I’d be Doctor Who without the TARDIS;
A candle without a wick,
A Watson without a Crick,
I’d be one of my outfits without a dicky.
I’d be cheese without the mac,
Jobs without the Wozniak,
I’d be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack;
I’d be an atom without a bomb,
A dot without the com,
And I’d probably still live with my mom.”
Friends: “And he’d probably still live with his mom.”
Howard: “Ever since I met you, you turned my world around,
You supported all my dreams and all my hopes,
You’re like uranium-235, and I’m uranium-238;
Almost inseparable isotopes,
I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.”
Bernadette: [choked up] “Oh, Howie!”
Howard: “If I didn’t have you,
Life would be dreary,
I’d be string theory without any string,
I’d be binary code without a one,
A cathode-ray tube without an electron gun,
I’d be Firefly, Buffy, and Avengers without Joss Whedon,
I’d speak a lot more Klingon.
Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam [Klingon for “Today is a good day to die.”]
Friends: “And he’d definitely still live with his mom.”
Howard: “Ever since I met you, you turned my world around,
You’re my best friend and my lover,
We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields;
You can’t have one without the other,
I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.”
Everyone: “Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get.
From the moment that we met you, Bernadette.” (7×6 – The Romance Resonance)

(3×6 – The Cornhusker Vortex)

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading this week’s post, I hope you all have a lovely week and I hope to see you all again next Wednesday! 😃

4 thoughts on “Best Howard Wolowitz Quotes!

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