Best How I Met Your Mother Quotes

Good morning everyone, hope you’re all ok! We had an exciting Sunday this past weekend, as we surprised my mum by visiting my sister under the illusion that we were going on a daytrip to somewhere completely different, we’d put the plan in motion a couple of weeks ago as a nice little present for her (and my dad’s anniversary) but also to cheer her up because of some not-so-great news that she received from a hospital appointment she had at the end of the week, and it was also a nice distraction from hearing the news that my Nan fell over again and ended up back in hospital (albeit only for a few hours), thankfully she’s back at home now but unfortunately has ended up contracting Covid in the meantime, so going to see Kim, Chris, and Isaac really made her day, especially seeing Isaac walking again and playing with him after his operation in January! Getting to see them and spend time with all of them and having a laugh was just what we needed after such a hectic week.

Speaking of having a laugh, it leads me to today’s post…As you know the past couple of years I’ve done a Best of Quotes for different tv shows, starting with the overall best quotes from the selected show followed by each main characters best/funniest quotes and this year marks 18 years since How I Met Your Mother first aired, so to celebrate and because I’m a fan of the show and because it also gave us some memorable and instantly-classic quotes that ranged from funny one-liners that made us LOL to sound relationship advice that touched our hearts. I thought this year I would do the best HIMYM quotes!

The Best How I Met Your Mother Quotes

Lily: “Where’s the poop, Robin?”
Robin: “Excuse me?”
Lily: “When I was a kid, I had a dog named Bean. Whenever he made the face that you’re making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. Where’s the poop, Robin?”
Robin: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lily: “Where’s the poop, Robin?”
Robin: “There’s no poop.”
Lily: “Where’s the poop?” (6×3 – Unfinished)

(3×5 – How I Met Everyone Else)

Ted: [v.o.] “Aunt Lily wasn’t wrong. It was at times a long, difficult road. But I’m glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn’t gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met your mom, I knew… I have to love this woman as much as I can for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight we ever had, every 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon. Through every speed bump, every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me. And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was thank God. Thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank… that I saw that beautiful girl on that train platform, and that I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth, and speak.” (9×23 Last Forever)

(2×11 – How Lily Stole Christmas)

[Robin plays the video:]
Robin Sparkles: “I know, how about I sing you a song! [singing] Let’s go the mall everybody! Come on, Jessica. Come on, Tori.”
Robin: “I was a teenage pop star in Canada.”
Robin Sparkles: “Put on your jelly bracelets And your cool graffiti coat. At the mall, having fun Is what it’s all about.”
Lily: “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”
Marshall: “That’s you?”
Robin: “Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel’s Pretzels.”
Robin Sparkles: “Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let’s go to the mall, today.”
Marshall: “This is the 90s. Why does it look like 1986?”
Robin: “The 80s didn’t come to Canada till like ’93.” (2×9 – Slap Bet)

(5×19 – Zoo Or False)

Barney: “We’re going to Sascha’s.”
Ted: “Who the hell is Sascha?”
Barney: “Sascha. [points to security woman] She’s having friends over for drinks at her house. It’s gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant ’cause the second half of that word is -dairy!” (1×3 – Sweet Taste Of Liberty)

(9×18 – Rally)

Marshall: “Hey, thanks again for picking us up. It’s been a crazy couple days. You can’t imagine what we’ve been through.”
The Mother: “Wait, let me guess. You were visiting a relative? Maybe your mother? And I’m getting a Midwest vibe, somewhere like Wisconsin… [Marshall scoffs] No. Minnesota?”
Marshall: “Wow, you’re, like, really good at this.”
The Mother: “You’re planning an overseas trip with your wife. I’m seeing a feisty redhead who loves art. She just got a job in Europe. Maybe France? No. Italy? Total shot in the dark, but Rome?”
Marshall: “Maybe I’ll just like… I’ll get out right here.”
The Mother: “You’re not going anywhere. No, I’m just messing with you. I rode the train with your wife. She told me all about you. You must be Marshall.” (9×13 – Bass Player Wanted)


Barney: “Nora, how you been?”
Nora: “Fine.”
Barney: “Look, I don’t know why you would possibly say yes to this, but, would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime? 20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you. You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book.”
Nora: “I speak four languages. I’m gonna need more than 20 minutes.”
Barney: “I’ll call you. You look beautiful, by the way. And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.”
Nora: “It’s never too late, Barney.”
Barney: “Challenge accepted.” (6×24 – Challenge Accepted)

(9×4 – The Broken Code)

Ted: “The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that’s what makes them such a great couple. A perfect balance.” [eats olive]
Robin: “You know, I’ve had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.”
Ted: “I can take them off your hands.”
Robin: “They’re all yours.” (1×1 – Pilot)

(4×3 – I Heart NJ)

Lily: “Barney, you’re going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be Robin’s boyfriend.”
Barney: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. “Boyfriend”? I don’t want to be Robin’s boyfriend.”
Lily: “Well, what do you want, then?”
Barney: “I don’t know. I just want to be with her. All the time. I want to hear about her day and tell her about mine. I want to hold her hand and smell her hair. [scoffs] But I don’t want to be her stupid boyfriend.”
Lily: “Barney, what you just described is a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And a pretty clingy one at that.” (4×1 – Do I Know You?)

(6×15 – Oh Honey)

Lily: [inner monologue] “No, I’m not looking. I don’t need to see my child used against me. My sweet, beautiful child, who I haven’t seen in a week. Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so Ionely? Damn it, I’m looking.”
The Mother: “Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard “Ionely” and “unicorn.” Which actually gave me a great idea for a children’s book, so thank you. Are you okay?”
Lily: “No.”
The Mother: “But there’s nothing you can do… You want a cookie?”
Lily: “Yes. Yes, I do.”
The Mother: “Wow. You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.”
Lily: “There’s not, is there?”
The Mother: “No idea, I found them under my seat. Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie. Then I thought you could use a joke. I should’ve stopped at the cookie.”
Lily: “You know, I don’t care if these are poisoned. There’s chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!”
The Mother: “I call them “Sumbitches!”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “And that’s how Lily met your mother.” (9×1 – The Locket)

(2×19 – Bachelor Party)

Lily: “Marshall, this is an intervention.”
Barney: “It’s about the hat.”
Marshall: [scoffs] “What? No. I have it under control, okay? I can take it off whenever I want to.”
Robin: “Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to beat it with a bat. Or maybe stab it with a fork. It makes you look like such a dork.” (4×4 – Intervention)

(6×10 – Blitzgiving)

Barney: “I had to look away because if I watched what the paramedics were about to do, I would have passed out. Then they took out this electric blade thing and I kept thinking, “This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. “
Lily: “Oh, my God. What did they cut?”
Barney: “My suit. My beautiful suit.” (3×20 – Miracles)

(6×14 – Last Words)

Lily: “Well, guys have fun.”
Ted: “This is gonna be major clean-up.”
All: [salute] “Major clean-up.”
Marshall: “Oh man, we’re gonna be doing this all the time, now aren’t we?”
Robin: “Well, that’s the general idea.”
All: [salute] “General idea.” (3×9 – Slapsgiving)

(2×21 – Something Borrowed)

Ted: “Your dad is Bob Barker?”
Barney: “That’s right”
Lily: “The host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker?”
Barney: “That’s Pops.”
Robin: “Barney?”
Barney: “Yes, Robin?”
Robin: “Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father?”
Barney: “Uh, because my mother told me he was, that’s why.”
[flashback to Barney as a kid, watching The Price is Right:]
Young Barney: “Mom, who’s my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who’s mine?”
Loretta: “Oh, I don’t know. That guy.” [points to Barney on TV] (2×20 – Showdown)

(9×23 – Last Forever)

Ted: “All right, there’s only two reasons she’d laugh at that. One, it’s the first joke she’s ever heard, or two, she likes you. You should totally ask her out.”
Marshall: “You think?”
Ted: “Yeah, that why you’re not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it’s like to be single.”
Marshall: “Well, what if the heart doesn’t mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?”
Ted: “Mine says “Ted,” no heart.”
Barney: “Mine says “Swarley.” How’d they get “Swarley” from “Barney”? It’s not even a name. Who would ever be called “Swarley”? [Ted and Marshall look at Barney] Oh, please don’t start calling me “Swarley.” This would never happen at a bar!” [Barney storms off] (2×7 – Swarley)

(7×10 – Tick Tick Tick)

Barney: “So did you get a good look at it?”
Lily: “Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton like a roach…”
Marshall: “But it has mouse-like characteristics. Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.”
Robin: “So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?”
Lily: “It’s a cockamouse.” (1×7 – Matchmaker)

(Continuous Lily Season 9 Catchphrase)

Barney: “Okay, listen, I am going to get you to that hospital or die trying. And if I succeed, I ask only one thing in return. Let me choose your child’s middle name because I have thought of the most awesome name of all time.”
Marshall: “What’s the middle name?”
Barney: “Wait for it.”
Marshall: “I’m waiting.”
Barney: “Wait for it.”
Marshall: “I said I’m waiting.”
Barney: “Wait for it.”
Marshall: “What’s the middle name?”
Barney: “No, the middle name is wait for it. Let’s say the first name is – oh, I don’t know – Barney. He’d be Barney Wait for It Eriksen. How awesome is that?”
Marshall: “That is… the coolest middle name of all time!” (7×23 – Te Magician’s Code – Part One)

(4×1 – Do I Know You?)

Barney: “Does she really say “but, um” that much?”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “That night, we found out just how much she said it.”
[As Ted and Barney stay up to watch Robin’s show]
Robin: [on TV] “Oh, that’s great, but, um…”
Ted: “But, um.”
Barney: “Nice.”
Robin: “This wasn’t your first spelling bee, was it?”
Kid: “Nope. Third.”
Robin: “Oh! Good for you, but, um… [cut] But, um. [cut] But, um. [cut] But, um… But, um… But, um… [cut] But, um… But, um… [cut] But, um… But, um… But, um… [cut] But, um… But, um… But, um…”
[Drunk Barney and Ted laugh hysterically] (5×13 – Jenkins)

(7×6 – Mystery Vs. History)

Ted: “Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.”
[The lights go out]
Lily: “Happy? Now, you’ve pissed off the big guy upstairs.”
Ted: “Yeah, I’m sure God cares if I…”
Man: [o.s.] “You use that language again and I’ll turn off your water!”
Lily: “That’s my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I’m going to have Christmas alone in the dark.” (2×11 – How Lily Stole Christmas)

(3×1 – Wait For It)

Marshall: “Lily, it’s a miracle. I didn’t get sick. I didn’t get sick.”
Lily: “I know, baby. I’m pregnant.” (6×24 – Challenge Accepted)

(1×10 – The Pineapple Incident)

Marshall: [on the phone] “I’ve never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked because I never wanted to. She’s the love of my life. I never keep anything from her. Ted, put Lily on the phone.”
Ted: “Hey. It’s Marshall.”
Lily: “Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
Marshall: “Yes. I was offered a judgeship in New York. And I took it. Even though we’d already agreed to move to Rome. I’m gonna be a judge. Lily?”
Lily: “You know, Marshall, I don’t believe in ghosts. And I’m not sure anyone died in our room. But someone’s going to.” (9×7 – No Questions Asked)

(7×1 – The Best Man)

Barney: “This feels so good. I’m worried I’m gonna get this burger pregnant.”
Marshall: “If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.” (4×2 – The Best Burger In New York)

(8×9 – Lobster Crawl)

Marshall: “They named my drink after her. The Minnesota Tidal Wave.”
Robin: “It’s my usual.”
Marshall: “Immaterial! If it’s gonna be named after anybody, it should be called The Marshall Eriksen.”
Robin: “Sorry, it’s The Robin Scherbatsky. Read it and weep.”
Marshall: “Oh, so you’re gonna Zuckerberg me? That it? You’re Zuckerberging me? That’s fine. I’ll see you in court. Little court known as the dance floor. Dance-off. Now.”
Lily: “No, no dancing. Marshall, we’ve been through this. The doctor said your dancer’s hip is worse than ever. You have to lay off dancing for a while.”
Marshall: “You’re killing me, Lily! You’re killing me! I’m an adult. You have to let me dance my own battles.” (8×20 – The Time Travelers)

(3×14 – The Bracket)

Marshall: “And I turned out perfectly fine.”
Lily: “Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.”
Marshall: “I didn’t put the bread in. You didn’t put the bread in.” (8×2 – The Pre-Nup)

(5×21 – Twin Beds)

Lily: “Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?”
Ted: “I had the most amazing night ever.”
Marshall: “Tell me about it. That cake, best cake I ever had. Seriously. My stomach was like, “Hey bro, I don’t know what you’re eating ’cause I don’t have any eyes but it’s basically awesome so keep sending it down gullet alley.”
Lily: “Yeah, I know. My stomach was like, “Girlfriend, we don’t always get along but that cake…” (1×13 – Drumroll, Please)

(2×15 – Lucky Penny)

Barney: “We’re going to Sascha’s.”
Ted: “Who the hell is Sascha?”
Barney: “Sascha. [points to security woman] She’s having friends over for drinks at her house. It’s gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant ’cause the second half of that word is -dairy!” (1×3 – Sweet Taste Of Liberty)

(9×17 – Sunrise)

Thank you for visiting my blog and taking the time to read today’s post, I hope you all have a good week, and manage to stay warm. For now though I shall say see you next time!

5 thoughts on “Best How I Met Your Mother Quotes

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