Best Barney Stinson Quotes

Good morning everyone I hope you are all well. This is Peyton’s mum, I am writing on her behalf under her instructions, she is telling me what to put, as she is suffering from a really bad relapse at the moment, and is struggling with her coordination. We found out to our surprise that one of our neighbors turned out to have the same condition as me (Peyton). She was very sympathetic and understood what I am going through, which for the first time I felt as if I had someone to talk too. Anyway, enough of my ramblings on about me, I have some exciting news which I am looking forward to, and that is I’m seeing my sister and nephew on Sunday, I can’t wait!!

Onto the third installment of How I Met Your Mother Best Character Quotes, this week featuring the wild and playbook-inventor…Barney Stinson…Of all the five main characters, the common consensus points to Barney Stinson as undoubtedly being the very best of the bunch. He instantly stands out of the crowd because he always seems to be in a good mood. He never worries about anything and he doesn’t let his emotions get the best of him. As his arc develops and we learn more about his past, we see Barney for who he really is: a kind man who has been too hurt to let himself open up to authentic relationships. Barney is the king of magic tricks, catch phrases, and random rules, many of which are written down in the famous Bro Code. While much of what Barney says can be instantly disregarded as silly, he knows more about life than it seems at first sight. Have a look at some of his best moments!

Barney: “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that’s what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He’s free. He got that red-head-tumor removed.”
Ted: “You should write and illustrate children’s books.”
Barney: “You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.” (2×1 – Where Were We?)

Robin: “You have to go home and get to bed.”
Barney: “Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I’m going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It’s gonna be legen Wait for it… [Barney falls asleep]” (2×11 – How Lily Stole Christmas)

Robin: “Aw… Look at my little cousins in their flower-girl dresses.”
Barney: “Aw, they’ll look so cute next to the ring bear.”
Robin: “Yeah. Wait, you said ring bearer, right?”
Barney: [nods] “Ring bear.”
Robin: “Ring bearer.”
Barney: “Ring bear.”
Robin: “Are you planning some crazy stunt with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding because…” (9×1 – The Locket)

Barney: “But you know, it’s not going to be easy, this test. It’s not like the Canadian citizenship test.”
Robin: “How do you know the Canadian test is easy?”
Barney: “It’s Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: Really?” (5×5 – Duel Citizenship)

Robin: “Chip and dip, Barney?”
Barney: “Sure.”
Robin: “A-ha! [camera clicks] Got it! A bad picture.”
Barney: “Is it, though?”
Robin: “No, wait. You were eating a chip! Where’s the chip?”
Barney: “It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture. I don’t know why. Ask God. [kisses his fingers and raises them to the heavens]” (5×18 – Say Cheese)

Barney: “I had to look away because if I watched what the paramedics were about to do, I would have passed out. Then they took out this electric blade thing and I kept thinking, “This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. “
Lily: “Oh, my God. What did they cut?”
Barney: “My suit. My beautiful suit.” (3×20 – Miracles)

Robin: “You have to go home and get to bed.”
Barney: “Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I’m going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It’s gonna be legen… Wait for it…” [Barney falls asleep] (2×11 – How Lily Stole Christmas)

Barney: “It is super-weird between us, and I don’t want it to be.”
Robin: “Me, neither.”
Barney: “So let me just say this. I’m done. You don’t have to worry anymore.”
Robin: “What do you mean?”
Barney: “I’m done trying to get you. I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise… I’m done making a fool of myself.”
Robin: “Barney, you haven’t been making a fool out of yourself.”
Barney: “It’s okay. It’s okay. I want it to be okay. So here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you’re gonna be grossed out, but you’re gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you’ll tell a funny story about “that bitch Patrice” at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, “Hey, how’s it going?” or “Good to see you!” Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?”
Robin: “Yeah, I do.”
Barney: “Badass.”
Robin: [smiles] “Huh.” (8×8 – Twelve Horny Women)

Future Ted: [v.o.] “So Barney and I… and again, going through a tough time, can’t stress that enough… found an adoption agency Web site and filled out their online application.”
Barney: “Name: Barney Stinson. Ted Mosby. Address…”
Ted: “Oh, put my address in Westchester. They’ll want to see we’ll be raising this child in a good environment. You know, the suburbs.”
Barney: “What? No. All my guys are here.”
Ted: “Your guys?”
Barney: “Yeah. You know how I got a guy for everything? Well, they’re all in New York. My suit guy, my shoe guy,
my ticket guy, my club guy. And if I don’t have a guy for something, then I have a guy guy to get me a guy. And oddly enough, his name is Guy.” (7×11 – The Rebound Girl)

Barney: “Okay, time for my stuff. Guys, I was sitting at home last night, and all of a sudden, I had a piphany. And my piphany was this…”
Ted: “Actually, it’s, uh, it’s “epiphany.”
Barney: “No, Ted, this is the piphany. And here it is: Make… every… night… legendary. Guys, we’ve had some pretty legendary nights. But we’ve also had some nights that weren’t so legendary. Lookin’ at you, “The Night Ted
Made Us All Watch Norbit”.”
Ted: “Eddie Murphy as a fat lady. What’s the problem?”
Lily: “That was Eddie Murphy?”
Barney: “The non-legendary nights are done. From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night we’ll never forget. Starting tonight. Who’s ready for the longest, craziest adventure yet?! [Lily and Marshall bounce] Good. The weak have been weeded from our herd. You ready to rock and roll, Ted?”
Ted: “Yeah, I’m going home, too. I’m sensing some costumes coming up here and I’d rather steer clear.”
Barney: “Ted, 20 years from now, when you’re all alone and I’m President, you’re not gonna remember sitting around your apartment doing nothing. What you will remember is that tonight, this night… was The Night We Started a Mariachi Band! Uno, dos, tres, quatro!” (7×21 – Now We’re Even)

Ted: “Okay, I got one last question for you and I can’t believe I haven’t asked it yet. Dude, you’re getting married tomorrow. How are you doing?”
Barney: “Good. I mean, I’m a little nervous. But I love Robin more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I’m gonna do everything I can to make her happy. For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of… broken? But I don’t feel that way anymore. Robin, along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine, has made me 100 percent awesome.”
Ted: “I’m proud of you, buddy.”
Barney: [babbling]
Ted: “Okay. Come on, Jabba. Big day tomorrow.”
Linus: “Tab for the night. Just so you know, those last few rounds of 35-year Glen McKenna were not cheap.”
Ted: “Whoa. Um… You know what? Charge them to the bride’s room.” (9×15 – Unpause)

Robin: “And here come the paramedics.”
Barney: “Oh, thank God, you’re here.”
Woman: “What is going on?!”
Barney: “I think there might be some internal bleeding. Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital.”
Woman: “What are you talking about?”
Barney: “You’ve had a terrible fall.”
Woman: “No, I haven’t.
Barney: “Really? ‘Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. Angel. [chanting] Give him your number. What? [chanting] Give him your number. What?”
All: “Give him your number.”
Barney: “Come on, guys, you’re embarrassing me.”
All: “Give him your number.”
Barney: “What are you…? Come on. They’re not going to stop ’til you give me your number.”
Woman: All right!”
Barney: It works!” (1×21 – Milk)

Barney: “Please, just don’t shoot me in the face… or the crotch!”
All: “Surprise!”
Barney: “What’s going on?”
Robin: “Well, we decided to give you everything you wanted for your bachelor party without you even realizing it.
Barney: “Wait, so that’s why you made me think Marshall might die? And I’d lost all that money and my friends hated me and my wedding was off? You just decided to-to check off everything on this list in the most twisted way imaginable? That is… awesome!”
Robin: “And it was all planned by a girl.”
Barney: “Wow!” (8×22 The Bro Mitzvah)

Barney: “Can you pass the arts and leisure? [the woman does; Barney repeats loudly] Can you pass the arts and leisure?”
Woman: “I just did.”
Lily: [enters] “Honey, I’m… Barney, what the hell is going on here?”
Barney: “Lily, I can explain…”
Lily: “How could you? In our own home? [Lily slaps Barney] You bastard!”
Woman: “I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t know he had…”
Lily: “Just get out. This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? I got breast implants for you. I… [the woman leaves] I was just about to turn on the tears.”
Barney: “Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius. You did not hold back.”
Lily: “Yeah, that I just always wanted to do.”
Barney: “Fair enough.” (2×5 World’s Greatest Couple)

Barney: “Training for a marathon. [scoffs]“
Marshall: “What?”
Barney: “You don’t need to train for a marathon. You just run it.”
Lily: “You’re kidding, right?”
Barney: “Not at all. I could run a marathon anytime I wanted to.”
Marshall: “So like tomorrow, you think you could wake up, roll out of bed, and just run the New York City Marathon?”
Barney: “Absolutely.”
Robin: “Barney, we’re talking about 42 kilometers.”
Ted: “Thanks, Canada. I’ll take it from here. Barney, it’s like 26 miles.”
Barney: “Here’s how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running. There is no step two.” (2×15 – Lucky Penny)

Ted: “Why is this such a big deal?”
Barney: “Okay, guys, sit down, I’ve got to tell you something. [They were all sitting already] The reason I’m going on The Price Is Right is because I’ve decided that it’s time for me to meet my real father.”
Ted: “Your father?”
Barney: “That’s right. My father… is Bob Barker.” (2×20 – Showdown)

Barney: “This feels so good. I’m worried I’m gonna get this burger pregnant.”
Marshall: “If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.” (4×2 – The Best Burger In New York)

Jerry: “Barney, what is going on?”
Barney: “This is mine.”
Jerry: “I don’t understand.”
Barney: “J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? No. No. I at least get the hoop. I’m taking it with me.”
Jerry: “Please, please. Just come down and talk to me.”
Barney: “Why? Why should I? You’re lame, okay? You’re just some lame suburban dad.”
Jerry: “Why does that make you so mad?”
Barney: “Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, why couldn’t you have been that for me?” (6×19 – Legendaddy)

Loretta: “But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood more clearly than he ever had before.”
[flashback to young Barney struggling to bounce a basketball in gym as Loretta talks to the coach:]
Coach: “I’m sorry, but your son can’t be on the team. He’s terrible.” [exits]
Young Barney: “What did Coach say, Ma?”
Loretta: “He said you’re simply too good to be on the team. It’s not fair to the other boys. But that’s okay. We can just play together in the backyard.”
[flashback to Barney’s birthday party:]
Young Barney: “Why didn’t anyone come?”
Loretta: “Oh, you know what, dear? Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. I just got this letter from the postmaster general.”
Young Barney: “Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party.”
[flashback to Loretta, dressed as Santa Claus, putting presents beneath the three as young Barney and James watch]
[present: Barney takes the piece of paper from Loretta and tears it up:]
Loretta: “Barney.”
Barney: “It’s okay, Mom. I don’t need it.”
Loretta: “But it’s your father.”
Barney: “I already have a father. And his name… is Loretta.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad, and it always made him feel incomplete. But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood he realized he had
one hell of a mom.” (6×2 – Cleaning House)

Robin: “Please, Cheese. You like this girl.”
Barney: “What? Nora? No, I don’t.”
Robin: “Barney, you can’t say her name without smiling.
Barney: “That’s… Nora. Sorry, sorry. I was thinking of a funny thing that Nora said.”
Robin: “Mmm.”
Barney: “Stop it. No… ra. Nah… Damn it, what is the matter with me?” (6×17- Garbage Island)

Barney: “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’ll tell you everything. The whole story.”
Quinn: “Fine. You have one minute before I walk out that door.”
Barney: “Um, it’s, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn. Gonna take a bit little longer than a minute.”
Quinn: “52 seconds.”
Barney: “Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room, and I said, “Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty,” but Ted really liked her so we played “Have you met Ted?” They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn’t – lame – so he stole a smurf pen1s, went back to her place, should’ve kissed her, didn’t. Lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends – lame – then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn’t go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn’t kiss her either – lame – not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a Latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up… [intake of breath] Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you and you took my grandpa’s watch but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes and we came over here to meet little Marvin and that’s everything! Also I went on The Price Is Right and won a dune buggy.”
Quinn: “Goodbye, Barney.” (8×1 – Farhampton)

Robin: [sighs] “Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as certifiably insane as you must realize that this is too far. You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks. Do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? This… This is proof of why we don’t work, why we’ll never work. So thank you. You’ve set me free because, how could I be with a man who thinks that this… trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?”
Barney: “Turn it over.”
[The other side of the page reads “Step 16: Hope she says yes”. When Robin looks up, Barney is down on one knee with an engagement ring]
Barney: “Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?”
Robin: “Yes.” (8×12 – The Final Page: Part 2)

Barney: [singing] “I know what you’re thinking What’s Barney been drinking? That girl was smoking hot Yes, I could’ve nailed her But no, it’s not a failure ‘Cause there’s one thing she is not To score a ten would be just fine
But I’d rather be dressed to the nines It’s a truth you can’t refute Nothing suits me like a suit!
Picture a world Where all the boys and girls Are impeccably well-dressed That delivery guy in a jacket and tie That puppy in a double-breast That ’80s dude with muttonchops That baby with a lollipop That lady cop who’s kind of cute Nothing suits them like a suit”
Choir: “Suits”
Barney: “A wingman I can wear”
Choir: “Suits”
Barney: “They’re oh, so debonair”
Choir: “Suits”
Barney: “The perfect way to snare A girl with daddy issues”
Choir: “Suits”
Barney: “In navy blue or black Check out this perfect rack I want to give them a squeeze”
Marshall: “Oh, really? Then answer these questions if you please [Irish accent] What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a pot of gold?”
Barney: “Suits”
Ted: “What would you say if you gave your suits away And in return you’d never grow old?”
Barney: “Suits”
Robin: “What would you pick? One million chicks Or a single three-piece suit?”
Barney: “It’s moot”
Lily: “What if world peace Were within your reach?”
Barney: [talking] “I’m gonna stop you right there. It’s suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.”
Barney: “Two, three, four [singing] Girls will go and girls will come But there’s only one absolute Every bro on the go needs to know That there’s no accepted substitute I’m sorry, suits, let’s make amends My Sunday best are my best friends Send casual Friday down the laundry chute ‘Cause nothing suits the undisputed Oft-saluted suitor of repute Like… A… Wait for it… Suit”
Choir: “Nothing suits him Like a suit Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up! Suit Up!”
Barney: [talking] “Then again, she is pretty hot.” (5×12 – Girls Vs. Suits)

Barney: [to his baby nephew] “Hey, buddy. Your parents are married. Now, listen, you. Just because you’re being raised by married people doesn’t mean you have to choose that lifestyle. High-five. Luckily, you got me. In 20 and a half years, you’ll be 21, and I will be… Well, I haven’t decided how old I’ll be yet. But we are gonna bro out, uncle and nephew style. Stick with me, kid. I am gonna teach you how to live. Great suit, by the way. Who is the cutest?” (2×10 – Single Stamina)

Barney: “Nora, how you been?”
Nora: “Fine.”
Barney: “Look, I don’t know why you would possibly say yes to this, but, would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime? 20 minutes. I was such a jerk to you. You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book.”
Nora: “I speak four languages. I’m gonna need more than 20 minutes.”
Barney: “I’ll call you. You look beautiful, by the way. And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.”
Nora: “It’s never too late, Barney.”
Barney: “Challenge accepted.” (6×24 – Challenge Accepted)

Thank you for visiting my blog and reading today’s post, I hope you all have a good week, and the weather manages to warm up a bit as it’s been a bit chilly as of recent. For now though I shall leave you to go about your day and say see you next week.