Good morning you amazing lot, how’s it all going? It’s been another busy week for us, I had said last Wednesday that with Christmas coming up, it doesn’t look like things will be slowing down for us anytime soon, well I was right as last Friday I had a last minute appointment at the dentist that they’d managed to get me in for (my appointment was originally in 2 weeks time) to have a couple of extractions on the left side side of my mouth this time. I’m not going to lie, it was a painful experience, they had to inject me 9 times to make sure the area was numb, which if anybody’s had it done, knows it stings when they do it, but the most painful part occurred during the procedure, when the dentist had trouble getting the tooth out and made my head shake so much, I thought it was going to break in half, but it’s not put me off going again, which is good as I have to go back again on Saturday for my right to be done. We’ve also had other appointments we’ve had to attend, so not much resting has been happening. But anyway, enough of my rambling lets move on…
On with today’s post and if you can believe it, this week is the last installment of the How I Met Your Mother: Character Quotes and we’re finishing off with the one and only Marshall Eriksen…Marshall is an eternal fan favorite for being lovable, relatable, hilarious, and one of the sweetest fictional best friends and partners ever. He may have his quirky moments on How I Met Your Mother, but he is definitely one of the most gifted and relatable characters on the show. He’s a gentle giant, and is always full of great romantic advice, a trait that certainly helps him get Ted back on track all the time. Whether he’s partying as “Beercules,” eating “sandwiches” at concerts, taking care of Marvin, or fighting for the environment, he always manages to stay relatable and say the right thing. Read on for some of his best quotes!
Marshall: “Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you… passing away first. Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You’re… You’re just my life, baby. And I love you.”
Lily: “You kill me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not murder me?”
Marshall: “Murder? No! Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness. I spare no expense for your care. I even stand up a foundation in your name. We’re, like, this close to a cure.” (5×2 -Double Date)
Barney: “Hey, tiger. How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.”
Ted: “Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.”
Marshall: “What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what’s the big deal?”
Barney: “I’ll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I was always the best at being single?”
Ted: “No.”
Barney: “Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.”
Marshall: “Aw. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. Son, I’ve been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama’s Casio. I’m a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I’ve forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you’ll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.” (5×6 – Bagpipes)
Marshall: “Oh, no. I don’t have my vows.”
Lily: “I don’t have mine either.”
Ted: “You don’t need your vows. Just say why you love each other.”
Marshall: “Okay, I’ll go first. Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I’m sick. You’re sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. It’s called “Eggs Marshall,” and it’s awesome. But the main reason that I love you is that you’re my best friend, Lily. You’re, uh… you’re the best friend I ever had. [to Ted] I’m sorry, buddy.”
Ted: “No problem.”
Barney: “It’s totally okay.” (2×21 – Something Borrowed)
Marshall: “That’s three! Thanks, baby, you’re the best. And as a special, added bonus, I’ve composed a song just for this occasion. Ted, lights!”
[Marshall starts playing the piano]
Marshall: [singing] “What is this feelin’ that’s put you in your place A hot, red burnin’ on the side of your face you feel the blood rush to your cheek. Tears start to fill your eyes and your lips are tremblin’ but you can’t speak, you’re tryin’, Oh, you’re tryin’ not to cry! You just got slapped [Barney adds “Oh, oh”] Across the face, my friend [Barney adds “Oh, oh, oh”] You just got slapped. Yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it and everybody laughed and clapped, it was awesome. Wait, you just got… slapped. Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.” (3×9 – Slapsgiving)
Lily: “Hey, so it’s a pocket dial. You have so many great memories with your dad. Who cares about the last one?”
Ted: “She’s right.”
Barney: “Your dad was hilarious.”
Marshall: “You guys don’t get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher. And he was my best friend. He always came through for me. And now he’s just gone. And what am I left with? [plays message] Thanks a lot, God! Thank you! You took my father… the greatest man that I have ever known… and you ripped him off this Earth, way too young! And he’ll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voice mail. Thank you so much for the voice mail! It’s a great comfort! ‘Cause whenever I’m starting to feel lonely or sad, or… or you know what, or maybe a little bit cheated, at least I got the sound of his pocket to console me.”
Lily: “Marshall.”
Marshall: “How is this fair? You know, like, an entire human life and it just ends for no reason, and… and what are we left with?”
Marvin Sr.: [on message] “Marshall? Oh, looks like I’ve been calling you for almost five minutes. How’s my pocket sound? Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Um, anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you.”
Lily: “Looks like your dad came through one last time.” (6×14 – Last Words)
Marshall: “I had no idea that food could be this delicious.”
Ranjit: “Marshall, you are being crazy.”
Marshall: “No, no, I can handle it. If I sell my laptop, we can get seconds on those squash blossoms.”
Ranjit: “I mean about Lily.”
Marshall: “Well, you know, she’s being crazy, too.”
Ranjit: “She’s pregnant. She gets to be crazy. You have to be the sane one.”
Marshall: “So what, I don’t get to be crazy again until the baby comes?”
Ranjit: “No. Then it’s baby’s turn to be crazy.”
Marshall: “When do I get to be crazy again?”
Ranjit: “Never.” [laughs] (7×21 – Now We’re Even)
Future Ted: [v.o.] “Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus on their way to Long Island to meet up with us.”
Marshall: “There, there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall. We’re gonna see Mommy in no time at all. Hello there. I’m sorry for all of the noise. It’s been a long day for the Eriksen boys.”
Gus: “Uh, what’s with the rhyming?”
Marshall: “I’m glad that you ask. To get my son sleeping is no easy task.”
[flashback:]
Marshall: [v.o.] “A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, she read every book, but all were no use until she arrived at a mother named Goose.”
Lily: “Why, Marvin…”
Marshall: [v.o.] “She noted.”
Lily: “..these rhymes make you tired!”
[present:]
Marshall: “And ever since then, all young Marvin’s required is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. Now, what shall we read? Oh, crap, I left his book in the car!”
Marvin: [cries]
Gus: “That blows.” (9×11 – Bedtime Stories)
Lily: “Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.”
Marshall: “Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.”
Lily: “Squirrels don’t get married, Marshall.”
Marshall: “Like you could possibly know that.” (1×12 – The Wedding)
Lily: [getting down on one knee] “Marshall Eriksen, will you ma-“
Marshall: No, no, no, no, no, no.”
Lily: “What?”
Marshall: “You can’t lead with that. You got to build up to that. You got to have, like, a little speech.”
Lily: “Do you remember your proposal to me?” [she covers her eye with her hand]
Marshall: “I had a speech prepared.”
Lily: “What do you want to hear?”
Marshall: “I don’t know. I mean, you could tell me, like, about how good-looking and funny and smart I am and I’ve been working out lately. It might be nice for you to mention something about that.
Lily: “Marshall, you are good-looking.”
Marshall: “Thank you.”
Lily: “Funny.”
Marshall: “Oh, thanks.”
Lily: “Smart.”
Marshall: “And a few tears wouldn’t hurt.”
Lily: “Okay, would you freakin’ marry me already?”
Marshall: “I’ll marry you. Of course. But, um, until you see a ring on this finger, don’t expect me to put out.”
Lily: “Yeah, right.” [they kiss] (2×8 – Atlantic City)
Lily: “Hold still. Hold still. Hold still!”
Barney: “Paint faster!”
Lily: “Okay, I guess it’s time. Drop your shorts.”
Barney: “Yeah. Wait, wait, that wasn’t enough buildup. I need… In a world without justice, one man…”
Lily: “Oh, just drop them!”
Barney: “All right.”
Marshall: [enters] “No! No, this is not right!”
Barney: “We had a deal!”
Marshall: “Well, I’m going back on the deal. Barney, get out!”
Barney: “You…!” [exits]
Marshall: “It’s over! [loudly] Lily, I can’t let you go through with this! [quietly] I found a castle we can stay in, but it’s an extra two grand. [loudly] It’s just not right! [quietly] It’s beautiful and they say it’s haunted. [loudly] I can’t let the woman I love compromise her values for money! [quietly] I totally think we can get some more money out of him. [loudly] I’m never letting my fiancée, ever…! [opens door] Oh, you’re still here?”
Barney: Before you say anything, I’ll give you an extra five grand.
Marshall: “We accept.”
Barney: “You people are so easy to control. [laughs] Dance for me, puppets, dance.”
Future Ted: [v.o.] “And that’s how Uncle Barney paid for Lily and Marshall’s honeymoon.” (2×13 – Columns)
Marshall: “Guys. This Fiero’s meant a lot to all of us. Friendships were made. Adventures had. Horrors faced. That’s why we have to get rid of it.”
Barney: “Yes!”
Ted and Robin: “What?”
Marshall: “It’s lived a great life and it deserves to die with dignity.”
Ted: “But 200,000…”
Marshall: “But that’s life. You know? You never end up where you thought you wanted to be. I’m not helping the environment. Ted’s not a philosopher. Lily’s not not a world-famous artist. Barney’s never driven more than ten miles an hour. Robin, I’m sure, has also experience disappointment in her life. Maybe? And my Fiero’s not a Fiero that went 200,000 miles. It’s okay. You know? Those are old dreams. We’ll get a new car and we’ll fill that one up with new memories. And that’ll be the car we had when we were first married. When we owned our first house. Maybe even the first car our four kids remember.” (2×17 – Arrivederci, Fiero)
D.J.: “Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever Mr. and Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin.”
Lily: “Does it make you kind of sad that we don’t share the same last name?”
Marshall: “You know, in a totally evolved 21st-century kind of way yeah, a little.”
Lily: “You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.”
Marshall: “Oh, that’s easy. Lily and Marshall Skywalker.”
Lily: “Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.”
Marshall: “I got it. You ready? You ready?”
Lily: “Yeah.”
Marshall: “Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son, Totally and their daughter, Freakin’?”
Lily: “I love you, Mr. Awesome.”
Marshall: “I love you, Mrs. Awesome.” (2×22 – Something Blue)
Marshall: “So I’m doing sit-ups and she says, “All right, Marshall, just one more set.” So I summon all my strength and I do that set, and then she says, “Give me another set.” So I’m like, “Is this the last set?” And she says yes. So I do that set and then she says, “Give me another set.” She lied to my face! Everything hurts.”
Lily: “Baby, the whole point of working out is to feel better. This trainer is making you miserable. You have to call her and quit.”
Marshall: “I got to work through it. I got to finish what I started.”
Lily: “If you’re too scared, I can call her.”
Marshall: “Her number’s on this card.” (3×10 – The Yips)
Barney: “So you’re this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you?”
Marshall: “Yeah. That’s what marriage is all about, man, unconditional love. You can wear whatever you want and still get laid.”
Barney: “Tell me more about being married.
Marshall: “Well, sometimes, when you’re married, you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table.”
Barney: “And coffee, too?”
Marshall: “And coffee, too. Sometimes, she’ll even put out a vase of freshly cut flowers.”
Barney: “I love flowers. And sometimes, when you’re worried you’ve made all the wrong decisions in life and you’re not nearly the man you want to be, what does she do then?”
Marshall: “Well, she tells you that you’re great and it’s all gonna be okay.”
Barney: “That’s wonderful. And she’ll help you find other girls to have sex with?”
Marshall: “I mean, I guess. Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand, yeah. [Barney’s asleep] Mm, little guy had a big day. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Sweet dreams, slugger.” (4×17 – The Front Porch)
Marshall: “All right. We’ve all done some stupid things in our lives. For example, I remember a time when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet, and I tried to dry them off in the microwave.”
Robin: “You must’ve been drunk off your ass.”
Barney: “No. Too stupid to be an adult. He was obviously a kid when that happened.”
Robin: “A kid? How does a kid even get…”
Barney: “Who puts a bottle rocket in a microwave?”
Marshall: “Oh, my God. Guys, great new game. “Drunk or Kid?” Which one was I? Lock in your guesses.”
Robin & Lily: “Drunk.”
Barney & Ted: “Kid.”
Marshall: “Drum roll, please. I was… Drunk.” (5×20 – Home Wreckers)
Robin: “And you know what your biggest baggage is? You’re too nice.”
Marshall: “How is being nice baggage?”
Robin: “Have you ever seen you walk down the street?”
Marshall: “I don’t even know how to answer that.”
Robin: “Well, let me help you out.”
[fantasy scene of Marshall walking down the street, talking to everybody he passes:]
Marshall: “Michael. Javier. Marcello. Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that. [fixes bicycle] That ought to do it. Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be…” [break dances]
[present:]
Marshall: “That’s normal.”
Barney: “There is only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.” (5×23 – The Wedding Bride)
Lily: “You’ve known about this for two and a half years? So every time you’ve talked about wanting to be an
environmental lawyer since then, that was a lie.”
Marshall: “Technically, I never lied. You asked me questions, and I responded with made-up words.”
Lily: “What?”
[flashback to Lily and Marshall talking at MacLaren’s:]
Lily: “So, you’ll probably quit GNB in a couple years, right?”
Marshall: “Affirmatootly.”
Lily: “And become an environmental lawyer?”
Marshall: “Yepskerdoodles.”
Lily: “Hey, by the way, do you like this scarf?”
Marshall: “Posititochadochmecochepopocha.”
[present:]
Marshall: “Lawyered.”
Lily: “Okay, that’s also a made-up word.” (6×8 – Natural History)
Marshall: “Life moves pretty fast, Barney. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.”
Ted: “Chicka-chicka!” (6×10 – Blitzgiving)
[Marshall is explaining the situation to Judy and Marcus using a board and cards from the game Clue:]
Marshall: “So we got Ted and Zoey. Ted is in love with Zoey. Zoey has no idea. Then Zoey’s cousin Honey went home with Barney, and Zoey was happy about it. Which tells us what?”
Marcus: “Zoey’s in love with…”
Marshall: “Zoey’s in love with Ted and Ted doesn’t know. So Ted and Zoey, they’re in love with each other, which would be fine if Zoey wasn’t married to Colonel Mustard. I mean, The Captain.” (6×15 – Oh Honey)
Marshall: “I first noticed it at the bar.”
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren’s:]
Marshall: “Hey, Lily, can you grab me a… [voice breaks] Mojito?”
Marshall: [v.o.] “Normally, you would’ve given me crap for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like. But nothing. So then I started to test you guys.”
[later, in Ted’s kitchen:]
Marshall: “The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie.”
Barney: [gasps] “It ages well. That’s the thing.”
[later, in the apartment:]
Marshall: “You guys like my new soul patch?”
Robin: “Righteous hair tab, brother!” (6×19 -Legendaddy)
Future Ted: [v.o.] “Now Lily and Marshall had just found out they were having a baby.”
Marshall: “I can’t wait to tell everyone.”
Lily: “Baby, no, we can’t tell anyone. Not until three months. I don’t want to jinx it.”
Marshall: “That’s a bit superstitious, don’t you think?”
Lily: “Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane.”
Marshall: “Have we crashed even once?” (7×1 – The Best Man)
Marshall & Daphne: [singing] “Well, I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles Then falls down at your door.”
Daphne: “Ha! You’re right. That crap grows on you.”
Marshall: “Again?”
Daphne: “Proclaim it!” (9×10 – Mom and Dad)
[Ted and Robin kiss]
Lily, Marshall & Barney: “Aw.”
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: “That’s one.”
[After Marshall slaps Barney]
Barney: “Your hand is monstrous.”
Marshall: “Well, what did you expect? You’ve seen my penis.” (2×9 – Slap Bet)
Marshall: “Dude, fighting is for losers. We’re civilized guys. Civilized guys don’t fight. Unless it’s with lightsabers. But that’s like three to five years away, so…”
Robin: “Well, that’s not true.”
Marshall: “Robin, I’m on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now, I’m going to be carving
the turkey with Old Green.” (4×10 – The Fight)
[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren’s in 2001:]
Marshall: “I’m not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.”
[Lily walks in the bar]
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: “There’s no comparison. What do you think, Ted? Should I go for it?”
Ted: “Oh, don’t do it, man. I mean, think about Lily.”
Marshall: “You know what, I don’t care. I’ve been with one woman for too long. I need me some strange.”
Barney: “Yes, yes, pep talk. You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. So, remember, tonight isn’t about scoring, it’s about believing that you can do it even though you probably can’t. Go get him, tiger.”
[Marshall gets up and heads over to the bar. Ted moves to the other side of the booth and sits next to Barney.]
Barney: “Poor guy’s gonna crash and burn.”
[Marshall walks over to Lily and kisses her]
Barney: [spit take] “That man is a god!”
[present:]
Marshall: “For like a week after, Barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. I even got him to do my laundry once.”
Barney: “I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.” (3×5 – How I Met Everyone Else)
Thank you for visiting my blog and taking the time to read today’s post on the final edition of How I Met Your Mother Character quotes featuring the goofy but sweet Marshall. I hope you all have a good week, and manage to stay warm especially if the weather forecast comes true with the predicted snow. For now, though I will leave you to enjoy the rest of your day and say… I shall see you next Wednesday.
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